who the fuck is jessica shaw?

Jessica Shaw thinks she's such hot shit. I get my Entertainment Weekly every Monday (sidebar: In LA I got that shit Friday. The Midwest can blow me) and usually I can bypass the groan-inducing ode to how much Jess loves herself, The Shaw Report. But, unfortunately, I have the attention span of a mildly retarded puppy, and as I am drawn to magazines before books, I'm likewise attracted to the colorful little boxes with mini-articles in magazines before ever glancing at the actual articles.

I always promise myself that I'm not going to read the Shaw Report because it's only really good for kickstarting a migraine, but, because of my literary ADD, I always do. Basically, in her column Jessica (click here to see what Jezebel has to say about Jessicas) makes a cute little chart where she marks out what you should be ashamed of liking and brags about how "in with the in crowd" she is. Here's a sample:

If you can read that, you're probably a terrorist or Sydney Bristow, but you get the idea. What you probably just read about in US Weekly is probably "Five Minutes Ago" even though it was published later than EW. You could also probably find something that's dubbed by Jessica (and what a Jessica she is!) as "out" in your closet/cabinet/nightstand. So what's "in"? This is where I imagine Jessica gets her kicks. Here are listed things so random and on the cusp of trendiness that they're actually just complete mysteries. Also, if you look through an old issue of EW that happened to be wedged between the couch cushions for a few weeks, you'll see that what J. Shaw declared "in" never really was. Perhaps it was mentioned on E! News for like a second, but on the whole, everyone is, according to Jessica, still "five minutes ago" or, God forbid, "out!"

I wouldn't care, except for that I have never met anyone who 1) likes 2) understands or 3) gives a shit about The Shaw Report. I assume the overlords at EW have realized this point as well, as TSR is no longer in every issue. Also, for awhile Jess was made to explain the theme of her little chart, as if to give those who receive EW on Monday (AKA Middle America) some understanding of her neatly organized trend vomit. The de-briefing was, well, brief, but at least it showed that even those who publish Miss Shaw's braggy note-to-selfs do not fully understand her motivation.

I have never seen Jessica Shaw's byline on anything other than her "report," so I picture her as a glorified intern in the EW offices. She goes to staff meetings, but just sits there drawing inane charts comparing Uggs to Mukluks and sipping Diet Coke through a bendy straw. Sadly, one of her doodles was confiscated in one of said meetings and instead of being asked to go get the editors more coffee, she was given her own "report." Well. I hope EW is happy with the brainless drivel they have given life to. I doubt the Shaw report will ever die, but until it does I will continue telling myself I'll ignore it, only to be compelled to read it by its concise, glossy allure.