The Nordstrom Effect

I'm a little too into return policies. Like, I return A LOT of the shit that I buy. I'm not like some kind of shopaholic maniac or whatever, I'm just very picky about my possessions. Sometimes things just don't mesh as well as they seemed to in the store. That's why God created the return policy. And alcohol, but I digress.

I also think my very liberal returning is based on the fact that I am a Nordstrom baby. Literally. I would not be surprised if I had been born in a Nordstrom if it weren't for the fact that I was born in Delaware and they still don't have a Nordstrom there 20 years later. My first pair of "real" shoes were red leather Weeboks from the Nordstrom kids shoes department. The first sentence I read was "Thank you for not smoking at this table," from those little plaques they put on all the tables at the Nordstrom Cafe until they systematically started remodeling them all (which, by the way, I think looks gorgeous, although they also 86ed the frozen yogurt machines which was a MISTAKE).

See, Nordstrom (if you call it "Nordstroms" you are a base fool with no shopping education. You can go ahead and kill yourself now, and no, I'm not joking) ANYWAY, Norstrom is famous for their return policy. Back when it was just a little Seattle department store, a woman came in with a set of tires and, even thought Nords does not sell tires (thank God), Mr. Norstrom gave her a FULL refund. That's a true story, too.

So anyway, if you buy anything at Nordstrom you can return it at any time thereafter. Change your mind halfway down the block? Full refund! Change your mind halfway through the year? STILL get a full refund. It's so fucking comforting and fantastic.

I think because of my Nordstrom ties, though, I'm a little ruined for shopping anywhere else. If they have some "store credit" bullshit for their return policy, I'll be honest, I'm pissed. American Apparel is pretty fucked up with their policy, but it's also fucked up to jack off in front of someone who showed up to interview you, so there you go.

The return obsession even trickles down to my mail. I HATE it when people don't put return addresses on their mail. It's SO stupid. What if something goes wrong? What if they want to get back to you or even just add your little label thingy to their address book? It's just rude to not include that info. It's okay if you don't put your name or something but not even your street address? The identity theft problem isn't that bad. Get over yourself.

I used to have these address labels that were animal print. I got them as a bonus gift with some animal print checks I had made up when I moved into the place I'm living now. I ran out of these labels like, seven months ago and I still haven't replaced them. I'm not about to forgo the return-address process, so I've been writing my address by hand on everything I send through the mail. This is a complete pain in the ass.

All that I mail are things I sell on ebay and bills, and the occasional thank you card. Bills have that little window where their own address sticks through, and I print off labels for my eBay shit so that there are no confusions and I get good feedback. Writing two addresses on a thank you card or whatever is cool, but having a whole thing packed up and then having to write ONE little thing in the corner is SUCH a waste of time. I'm clearly insane, but let's not focus on that at this moment.
I've been shopping for address labels on the interwebs since I ran out of the animal print ones and there are NO good options out there. I just want something cool, you know? Something that doesn't look all jank and like I made it on printshop and bought individual label paper at Target and did some DIY shit. I want something expensive looking that is also rad. Like a picture of Bowie with a little cartoon voice bubble with my address inside. Shit, that's a great idea.

My point is, returning is fucking awesome. Also, WHY can't the world realize that and make return policies everywhere kickass and also make a decently rad return address label? I blame Al-Quaeda, naturally.