Friday, July 27, 2007

Top of the Muffin to Ya!

I'm enamored with cardigans. Basically I live in: pair of jeans, tank top, cardigan, sandals. Every day. But now when I'm an ANY store and I go to pick up a cardigan I wonder where the rest of it is. Somehow a trend go started where it was popular to chop off the bottom of your sweater/cardigan/overshirt so that you can....well, there is no point to this trend. I'm so frustrated by this that I now have this deep, deep hatred for cropped over-garments for women.

Why? Because when you make something trendy and it is being sold EVERYWHERE, then all women will buy it. They will not stop to think, maybe cropped leggings and cankles don't go together? No, they will just buy it and wear it with no regard to how adorable they would look in a nice A-line skirt and a regularly sized cardigan instead. I have this theory that there are a minuscule number of people who are unattractive. Almost everyone is good looking, but sometimes they do things that really fug them up. Like wearing cropped sweaters when they have, uh, inappropriate bodies. By this I mean they have muffin tops.

Ah, the muffin top. Such an alluring name to give something so off-putting. Really, we are all prone to the muffin top fiasco, on account of these oh-so-low jeans and tight tops we are all wearing. Who hasn't gotten out of a car and immediately pulled up their pants? I know I do it whenever I get out of any kind of seat, car or otherwise. And it's not like it's our fault! Just about everyone has a little bit of chub that hangs over at least once in awhile.

Here's where I get a little pissed. And by a little I mean so angry that whenever I'm in a store and encounter a cropped ANYTHING I shake my fist to the heavens and screech, "WHY, GOD? WHY?" So. WHY would the trendmakers create a fashion garment that effectively draws little arrows over your love-handle overhangs? That is just cruel. Now, I am in no way fat, but even I look in the mirror sometimes and cry, "top of the muffin to ya" and then go grab something flowy to wear on top instead. If we ALL are subject to this dilemma, WHY exacerbate the problem with a terrible fashion choice like the cropped top? Plus, what will I do when my cardigans wear out and I need to go to the store to get more? I have no way to stock up on my essentials when I'm so morally opposed to what has been done to my one favorite clothing option!

But, here's where I get really disgusting. I was recently shopping on the interweb, as I do from hour to hour, when I came across this sweater from Anthropologie. I was immediately in love with it. It's mountain-y (meaning something that I would wear at my country home, if, of course, I had one), and it's not too old lady looking, but geriatric enough to fulfill my fashion dream of dressing entirely in grandpa clothes (I told you, I'm addicted to cardigans. I'm practically in the home already). But, and it's a big but (Big Butt = all the more reason it should be avoided) It. Is. CROPPED. I racked my brain as fast as I could: "Well, I could wear my Joe's jeans that are stretchy and leave very little opportunity to muffin top me, and I could wear a loose, flowy tank under it, and I could..." And that's when I knew it was the end for me. The fucking trend got to me too.

I hope one day we can return to the days before camel toe and muffin tops, but until then I will continue to try to preserve some mystery about my fat deposits and wear loose dresses and, Allah and fashion willing, cardigans.

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