Awhile ago I wrote about the show Bones and how I was perpetually perturbed by the wardrobe of Cam the coroner, who dressed like she was going out for cocktails and dancing, even though she was at WORK and her job was to examine CORPSES.
Perhaps a showrunner read by post (I did ask them to, after all) and decided to dress Cam differently, but in a completely ridiculous manner.
Here's the background: A body is discovered in a cornfield, and Cam arrives to examine the body. She's dressed in a shift dress and a blazer:
I was actually surprised at her work appropriate outfit, and was already drafting a post in my head claiming all the credit for the change in her wardrobe. But then everything went bizarro. Here's the basic dialogue:
Cam: Oooh. Dead things. Booth: Hey, Cam. Why are you all dressed up? Cam: Oh, I have a date later.
WHAT?!
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
I now consider myself officially slapped in the face by all parties associated with the making of Bones. Ouch.
I have such ambivalent feelings about last night's Oscars. I watched the show at my mom's house (my mom is way into awards season, and I've been watching since I was mere months old), but I also set my DVR to record it at my place, in case I wanted specific screen shots when I blogged later. That was a real fucking waste of digital space, because there was nothing of interest during the show. In fact, I spent most of the telecast on Twitter, which was infinitely more entertaining. You can see what I Twitterered here.
But, as a devoted slave to pop culture, I must at least say a few things. And critique some clothes, of course.
First of all, Kirk Douglas was totally adorable and everyone laughed and loved him, even though it appeared as though he died three years ago. But then my women's studies background reared its femmy head and I took issue with the whole gimmick. Remember when Elizabeth Taylor announced Best Picture at the Golden Globes and she was just being Elizabeth Taylor and everyone was like, "She's drunk! She's senile!"? Why do old crazy men get away with anything and get to be adorable and old crazy women are drunk/on drugs/certifiably insane? Any woman who answers a question, then announces that she's going to howl the answer, and does, deserves our utmost respect and love.
Secondly, I thought Anne Hathaway's giddiness at hosting the Oscars was completely infectious. She realized this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and she was just going to go and have fun. James Franco had fun too, I guess. I mean, he was clearly high the whole time. I don't really care about that, but I do care that he kind of messed up Anne's night. At some points she was desperately trying to salvage their banter, and he was just standing there like an asshole. Is he not familiar with the "Yes, and..." rule about acting with a partner?! If she were still with her billionaire criminal boyfriend she could have put a hit on Franco and made sure he never ruined any of her Golden Moments again.
Now on to fashion. There weren't any huge disasters on the red carpet (I assume because No Face wasn't there), so I'm only going to highlight my favorites. Also, because I want to make you work for it, they're gonna be after the jump.
You guys. I can't even begin to tell you the kvetch-fest that was happening in my mom's living room when No Face sauntered down the red carpet Sunday night. I had to put my head between my knees, close my eyes and think of England, because OH MY GOD. Just in case you need a refresher before we get down to business:
So that's the full scope of what we're working with. It's Atelier Versace. We know from past research that JJ and Donatella are superclose, so can we assume that this is what Donatella meant when she said that she could interpret No Face's dreams? I give you pull-quote proof from my favorite interview of all time:
Donatella: You just call me. Anything you need, if you have an idea, you just call. No Face: I'll be calling you all the time! Sometimes I dream about what I'd like to wear... Donatella: I can interpret your dream.
Now let's get down to the nitty gritty details. THAT DRESS! It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would make out of plastic party cups in a frat house challenge. And when you're wearing what Tim Gunn would call "A whole lotta look," do you really need to add a TRAIN? And one that looks like it weighs 15 pounds and was originally part of the packaging for your Ikea bookcase? And let's talk about the shoes, since we're already on the ground.
Maybe she's wearing those clomper shoes in case she has to make a run for it and Bobby Flay is all the way over in the cheap seats? Look, the shoes are simple and lovely if say, you're due in court. But for one, this is the fucking Emmys, and B, at said Emmys, why would you elect to look like an Amish hooker? Unless of course No Face is researching a role for a Lifetime Movie where she plays an Amish Hooker, in which case I CANNOT WAIT.
I could have waited for JJ to get her hair did before she walked the red carpet, however. Maybe she's trying to frame her non-face in something memorable? Gurl, you still have no face, just with bogus hair. It's not like there's not a whole section of Sephora dedicated to dealing with this exact problem. Look, Faceless, I know you want to bring the crazy to make me happy, but you can use a comb. I'll forgive un-crazed hair for the Emmys. And you were nominated! That means you need to Step Up 2 Tha Streets, hair-wise.
Usually before I go to sleep I need to do something to calm my brain down. I regularly get worked up about the tiniest things, and when you add my flair for the dramatic and the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, it's amazing I can even lay still for longer than ten minutes. I can be completely exhausted, but so rattled by anxiety that I stay up all night with my eyelids snapped open like an owl on crack.
Typically I read or do a crossword, but lately I've found a new way to decompress before I go bobees: MythBusters.
I had never watched MythBusters until a few weeks ago. I knew nothing about it, actually. I thought it was a show where two nerds took some law of physics and tried to disprove it or something. I never thought that maybe the myths they'd be busting would be that, say, breast implants make for great built-in flotation devices or if playing a certain note loudly can force a person to poop themselves. Those are definitely things that I would be interested in! Why did no one tell me?! It's just like the time I thought Borders was a Christian bookstore, and when my friends would say they got an Elliott Smith CD at Borders I'd be all, "Really? That seems out of place." And they'd be like, "What? Whatever." And since no one corrected me I didn't go to a Borders for four years.
Basically, now I'm totally addicted to MythBusters. Not only is their workshop in my old stomping grounds of Potrero Hill, but they have another thing that gets me all atwitter: My new favorite lifestyle guru Jamie Hyneman.
Jamie is the straight man in the MythBusters duo, and he pulls it off beautifully, with the flair you'd expect from a sardonic walrus. Where do I even start? The style! He looks like the doctor from Deadwood who just discovered the Beat movement.
I love when people have a self-assigned uniform. (Mine is a tank top and a cardigan.) Jamie's uniform is not limited to his outward appearance, but also includes an attitude of "I am unimpressed with you" mixed with "When will you realize I'm the most awesome?" It's too bad he clearly doesn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks, because he'd make a fantastic mean girl.
You may remember Hero being in great need of a fashion overhaul. His new collar and tag arrived last week and, to put it bluntly, they are SO AWESOME.
Hero's new, sleeker look
The collar is only 1/2" wide, which is a vast improvement over his former 1" wide behemoth collar. The corduroy is super soft too, and from the customer reviews I read before buying, it will wash up very nicely and stay soft and cozy. I mentioned in my previous post that the company I bought the collar from, Olive, seemed like a really great site for eco-dog stuff. Now that I've actually bought from them would just like to say that they are uhmazing and I cannot recommend them highly enough. In my order of only a $15 collar (most of their products are way more pricy), I got a handwritten thank you note, and a sample of dog treats (that got two paws up from H).
The whole package, un-packaged
The "Happy Apple Snaps" were a huge hit with Hero.
I didn't take a picture of the actual treat, but it's shaped like a little apple! So cute!
I lurve a thank you note.
And a handwritten thank you note? Even better!
Obtaining Hero's tag was a similarly lovely experience. I loved all of the products at Pure Panache Pets, and I was super excited to see what the tag would look like. I wasn't disappointed. I also loved that I could choose a smaller tag, so as not to overpower my smallish pup. Here's the final product:
The black bar is covering my phone number. I wouldn't want any weirdos calling me.
So overall, I'd say Hero now looks like a beautiful man of style, instead of a sloppy boob. And it's all thanks to the wonderful merchants I've mentioned above. Go buy their stuff!
Seriously, I live my life in side by sides. My reaction to everything is basically a MadLibs that goes, "Hey, X looks just like Y." Not since The BBC's Robin Hood have I experienced a deluge of side by sides like I did during the red carpet coverage of this year's Oscars.
The first Oscar dress I saw was Anna Kendrick's. Let me just say, I really like her. Have you seen Rocket Science? She's amazing in it. I actually heard that she was chosen for Up in the Air based on her performance in Rocket Science, which makes since because the two characters are the same. Her dress, however pretty I thought it was, reminded me only of the cover of a romance novel.
Anna plays the role of Belle, a planation heiress who was lounging in her boudoir with her forbidden lover when suddenly, the horses all somehow escape from the pasture, and Belle must cover her undergarments (and heaving bosom) in a sheer curtain before she and Fabio run into the nearby field to retrieve the horses and swoon over each other.
Then we have Charlize Theron. Ohhhhh GURL. All I could, and still can, think of when I see her dress is Janet Jackson's infamous Rolling Stone cover:
I think this one speaks for itself.
The other similarity isn't meant to be humorous, or overly insightful, it's just something I noticed. When Halle Berry won her Best Acress Oscar in 2002 she wore an Elie Saab dress with a sheer, accented top and an opaque skirt. Sandra Bullock won her Best Actress Oscar tonight, and wore a Marchesa dress with an almost identical theme:
That Halle Berry tidbit is a great example of my ability to retain knowledge that is pretty useless. That is, until someone says, "This kitten dies unless you can tell me who designed Halle Berry's 2002 Oscars dress!" Then I'll finally be recognized for the red carpet savant that I truly am.
Although he is a dog that refuses to wear any kind of sweater/coat/warmth retainer, Hero does wear a collar on a regular basis. He has a tag with his name and my phone number, a county-required "I don't have rabies" tag, and a pass for the dog park. Being a small dog, I think all these tags are a bit much for him, but oh well. I feel better knowing that he's got my digits on his neck, and the other tags are occupational hazards (Hero's occupation being that of "pet dog").
Hero's current collar situation has been in need of a remedy for a long time. He has been sporting an Earth Dog collar for almost a year, but it's just not working out. Here's the thing: Earth Dog makes lovely products, but they are most definitely suited for larger dogs. And Hero weighs 20 pounds. He could wear one of my bracelets as a belt. A one inch thick collar just looks kind of ridiculous on him. Can I get a side by side to illustrate my point?
Yep, that's about right.
So I know what you're saying to yourself, "Get the dog a new, slimmer collar and shut the eff up, Ladyface!" But, this being my life, there are a few more complications to he story. Hero, bless his furry heart, has quite sensitive skin. Regular collars turn his poor throat into a hairless, scabby mess. This is why I turned to Earth Dog in the first place - they make high quality hemp collars, which are all natural and free of those pesky chemicals and puppy-irritating whatsits that upset the delicate balance that is Hero's existence.
Now, I don't know why this is, but it's surprisingly hard to find a plain, natural, thin dog collar. My only theory is that most people with small dogs are also the kind that dress up their pooches in foofy collars and raincoats or whatever. All I want is a skinny, black collar that won't leave my dog's chest and neck looking like Britney's weave tracks.
I've been hunting online for what seems like forever. I would find a good collar, but it only came in a goofy pattern, or it came in plain colors, but they were all like lime green or purple. Then, FINALLY, I found the Holy Grail:
Good Dog Company's Hemp + Organic Cotton Corduroy Collar. They come in normal colors and a variety of sizes. It took me a fair amount of time to find a site that had the 1/2" collar in black, but I finally found one at a site called Olive (Slogan: Green Goods for Modern Dogs).
So now the collar dilemma is solved. But there's still the issue of Hero's plethora of tags. His ID tag is completely indecipherable at this point. It's a metal dog bone shape with his info engraved, but I guess it was made a little too on the cheap, since it's now covered in so many scratches even I can't read it. While I was giving Herocious a makeover, figured I would get him a new tag as well as a new collar. I looked around (and around, and around) and finally came to my senses and turned to my favorite emporium of all things awesome. I don't know why I didn't just go to Etsy in the first place! Check out this badassery:
A superhero themed tag for my superhero themed dog?! YES FUCKING PLEASE. The creator of this masterpiece, purepanache, has a lot of other great products, and if you have a dog or like awesome things I highly suggest you visit her Etsy store.
So now Hero is all set to rock the socks off the doggie fashion world. I've been checking the mail every day waiting for my purchases, I'm so excited. It's about time that dog put some decent clothes on. SHEESH.
I assume you're all familiar with Toms shoes. They're those pretentious canvas slippers that try to make you think they're worth $50. Because when you buy a pair, you're really buying two pairs, and the second one is given to a shoeless child in the third world or Mississippi or somewhere. But seriously? They're CANVAS SLIPPERS. THAT COST $50.
I've ranted about Toms before, so I'll spare you my whole tirade. It's not very long, it's just repetitive. And if there's one thing I hate, it's repeating stories. That's a lie, I love to repeat stories. I get it from my grandma, who has been telling the same seven or so stories as long as I've known her. To be fair, they're pretty great stories, but I'm getting off topic.
So those crafty little goofballs at Toms must have read my bloggy rant (obviously it's at the top of their Google Reader) and decided to reel me in to their little humanitarian clusterfuck. That's right. THEY ADDED SPARKLES. Check it.
I'm completely smitten with American Apparel. Yeah, Dov Charney is a creepy douche and the store employees are pretentious coke fiends, but try on a tri-blend shirt and tell me you don't want to live every day in it. I wear American Apparel cardigans like none other. Seriously, I have so many colors and I wear one almost every day.
So when I recently found out American Apparel was making SHEETS? It was like my two favorite things combined: Cozy cardigans and lying in bed! I know the fact that American Apparel is making sheets just adds to the perv factor, especially when they sell them like this:
...But if they ever come out in more exciting colors than white and grey, you know I'm snatching up a set.
This is a post that was percolating in the bank of posts for a long time, but I'm only just getting to it now. Whoopssorrymybad.
So Project Runway is back (praise Allah), but the early episodes are never as good because you don't know yet who to love or hate. Actually, I already hate about four of the contestants, but that's just my nature.
What I really want to talk about is the Project Runway All-Stars competition that aired before the premiere. Cutie-patootie Daniel Vosovic won, but I have no idea why. Here's the main reason:
HE SENT A MODEL DOWN THE RUNWAY DRESSED AS A SUICIDE BOMBER.
AND! Not one of the judges, contestants, or Grandmother-Willow-Type Tim Gunn commented on it! Hopefully they did and it was edited out, because I cannot imagine a competent person seeing anything else when they look at this mess.
The trusty Internets did notice, thank God. At least the blog that I stole the picture from did.
I don't know if you all read Elle magazine on a regular basis, but the Mily Cyrus issue has one of the greatest "interviews" I have ever read in my life. I discovered it while waiting at the airport with Sadie. There I was, just casually leafing through the mag from back cover to front (the only way to read a magazine) and I saw a pictorial with a completely unrecognizable person. "Who is that?" I thought to myself.
I immediately handed the mag over to Sadie and said, "Who do you think that is?' When she couldn't guess (obviously) I turned to the front of the article and we both lost our shit. THEN I read the dialogue January Jones has with Donatella Versace and, to put it plainly, my eyes turned to X's and a flew backward in the air.
I swear on Hero's favorite chew toy that it is worth the cover price of Elle just to read this interview. It's not even an interview so much as the most hilarious exchange of words that has ever seen print. As of today I have read it four times and each time I find new material to guffaw at. Some of my favorite gems:
DV: You can see when a woman walks if she feels sexy. Before my fashion shows, when we're trying out the hair, I ask the models, "Do you feel it?" I always want to pull their hair back, but girls want to wear it down because it makes them feel more feminine. So I let them wear it down. JJ: I feel sexier when I wear my hair down. DV: With your face, you can do anything.
DV: I do lots of charities... I'm trying to help construct a school for 600 children... I visited last year, and these children have nothing, but they organized a little fashion show for me, with just pieces of fabric. I still cry when I think about it.
JJ: I’ve seen so many people lose themselves. And I don’t want to become that person. When someone comes all of a sudden to a certain sort of fame, it’s not so much that that person changes, but the people around them change.(Emphasis my own)
And this quote, that's on the Elle website but not in the article, which is shitty, because READ IT: JJ: I was like, I’m good, I’m fine. Because seven is my favorite number, it’s God’s complete number.
I totally meant to type "Golden Globes" in the title, but my chubby child fingers wrote "globs" instead, and you know, I think that works just fine.
Let's focus on fashion. This is really what award shows are about, right? I miss the old days when E! would show the red carpet coverage from the past five years on award show morning. I think they lost the rights to that when they lost Joan and Melissa. Rats! Anyway, you already know that I loved Drew Barrymore's cracked out hair and makeup - let's see what else was fabu:
I love, love, LOVED this dress. It's quirky enough to be Maggie Gyllenhaal-esque, but still chic and totally appropriate. This is a great example of how you can get away with stuff at the Golden Globes that you can't at the Oscars. Because of the booze.
Speaking of booze, how great was Ricky Gervais? And bringing his beer onstage to boot! Check out this shitty quality video below:
Sorry about that tangent, but it was important. Back to pretty dresses!
I won't lie to you. I do not enjoy Eva Longoria. I don't see her talent or appeal at all. Even so, she looked amazing last night. This may have been my favorite look of the night.
You know I love it when the kids are age-appropriate. How oddly upsetting that dressing like this is actually kind of rebellious, considering the looks preferred by Hayden's peers.
Elizabeth Bank's dress is sure to get slammed by some for "washing her out," but if you saw her presenting on the TV machine, you know her makeup combated the pastiness very well:
Now let's get to the hot (and not so hot) messes! Really, this is what we live for here at Bongo HQ.
Teen Witch's Sister's clothes never fit on Gossip Girl, why would they fit in real life?
This angle makes Eva Mendes's dress look worse than it really did, but I'm glad someone decided to teach her a lesson.
Obvious choice, as Renee's dress is going to be on the top of every worst-dressed list until the end of time. I can't even think of a snarky comment, it's THAT bad.
Mama T really likes January Jones. For some reason I can't bring myself to second that emotion. It's probably because she always looks terrible. Proof: I knew her from Go Fug Yourself before I recognized her on Mad Men. Never a good sign.
I actually liked Megan Fox's dress. Why she always insists on showcasing her drunkface is beyond me, but she does know how to work a red carpet. Basically, I wanted to take this opportunity to say this: Who the frak are you, Megan Fox?! Why are you famous?! I know you were in Holiday in the Sun, but COME ON.
That's all for now kids, I have to start counting down to the Oscars!
Today we were blessed with the new Louis Vweeeton ads featuring (newly documented as batshit) Madge:
Is it me, or is this actually a picture of Evan Rachel Wood?
Here's a side-by-side comparison, albeit in not so cute quality:
Dude. I know Madonna drinks like, placenta milkshakes or whatever, but there's no way a 50 year old should be mistaken for a 22 year old. The person responsible for photoshopping this ad is more heavy handed than ERW's ex "Manson" with his eyeliner brush. BURN.
Have you guys been watching True Blood? If not, you are making a HUGE MISTAKE. It is so amazingly good that my non-vampire obsessed friends even love it. There's only one episode left and I really do not know how I'm going to handle the next year (year and a half? Alan Ball is a slowpoke) without my weekly dose of Bon Temps.
I could rave on and on about True Blood, like how the TV show is so much better than the books, which I had to stop reading because of the ridiculous factor (Spoiler alert: Sookie is descended from fairies. Yeah.), but instead I'm going to point to something I noticed this week:
Apparently soapy vampires only have one choice when it comes to shirts: The Henley!
See Mick St. John on the tragically underappreciated Moonlight:
Not only did Mick only wear henleys, I'm pretty sure he wore the same three henleys over and over.
Now we have True Blood's Bill Compton, who has taken a page from Mick's personal look book:
It's just a coincidence that they're both wearing beige henleys in these pictures. Although, they both only have their favorite style tees in beige, navy, and black.
Henley fever has even spread to vamps of the silver screen! Take a peep at Emmett Cullen, soon to be featured in Twilight:
Arguably a hoodie, but certainly henley inspired.
What is it that draws these sexy creatures of the night to the cozy yet non-confining style of the henley tee? Is it a neck-accesibility thing? Do they just like to show a little pec? It is a mystery perhaps as old as Nosferatu. Or simly proof that J. Crew stays open after dark.
Michelle Obama and I share many things in common. Being strong Black women, for example. We both also answered the siren song of a particular pair of earrings, which I shall forevermore refer to as "victory bling."
BTDubs, they're from H&M. We keep it real that way.
Dearest Gwen: You knowthis looks just like the NBC logo, right? You did this on purpose, RIGHT?
I think we all know the answer to these and many more questions I have for Gwen Stefani. Answers that can only lead to me banging my head against the wall.
I know you're getting sick of my personal Go Fug Yourself agenda against Gwen Stefani. But it's not just about fashion, it's about all decisions she makes. Really, if you asked me what my top 5 pet peeves were, I would definitely mention "Gwen Stefani" as one of them.
Barf McGillicuddy! Holy catballs! This is almost as bad as that overpriced 8-Ball Jacket knockoff I mentioned a few months ago. Plus, I know what she's trying to do. I know what she's trying to do and what she, therefore, failed at. Ol' Gwenny watched His Girl Friday with her Asian Sidekicks (who now have their own perfumes that smell like racism and the building of the American railroads!).
So the Harajuku Gang was watching one of my favorite movies of all time, and Gwen is all, "We need some more Hildys in this world of ours! She's the original founder of girl powah!" (Which, to her credit, is pretty much true) Apparently her way of honoring this masterpiece was to knockoff this fantastic ensemble:
How awesome is Rosalind Russell in this movie?! If you haven't seen it, we cannot be friends until you do. This film is why I want to be a journalist when I get my shit together.
This is why Gwen has broken my heart once again. She took a personal, albeit fictional, hero of mine and turned her inspired fashion sense into something that, for whatever reason, reminds me of this:
Yeah. Dragon killing. GWEN STEFANI IS A DRAGON KILLER.
