My Blessed Jewel Shone At The Emmys

You guys. I can't even begin to tell you the kvetch-fest that was happening in my mom's living room when No Face sauntered down the red carpet Sunday night. I had to put my head between my knees, close my eyes and think of England, because OH MY GOD. Just in case you need a refresher before we get down to business:

So that's the full scope of what we're working with. It's Atelier Versace. We know from past research that JJ and Donatella are superclose, so can we assume that this is what Donatella meant when she said that she could interpret No Face's dreams? I give you pull-quote proof from my favorite interview of all time:

Donatella: You just call me. Anything you need, if you have an idea, you just call.
No Face: I'll be calling you all the time! Sometimes I dream about what I'd like to wear...
Donatella: I can interpret your dream.

Now let's get down to the nitty gritty details. THAT DRESS! It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would make out of plastic party cups in a frat house challenge. And when you're wearing what Tim Gunn would call "A whole lotta look," do you really need to add a TRAIN? And one that looks like it weighs 15 pounds and was originally part of the packaging for your Ikea bookcase? And let's talk about the shoes, since we're already on the ground.

Maybe she's wearing those clomper shoes in case she has to make a run for it and Bobby Flay is all the way over in the cheap seats? Look, the shoes are simple and lovely if say, you're due in court. But for one, this is the fucking Emmys, and B, at said Emmys, why would you elect to look like an Amish hooker? Unless of course No Face is researching a role for a Lifetime Movie where she plays an Amish Hooker, in which case I CANNOT WAIT.

I could have waited for JJ to get her hair did before she walked the red carpet, however. Maybe she's trying to frame her non-face in something memorable? Gurl, you still have no face, just with bogus hair. It's not like there's not a whole section of Sephora dedicated to dealing with this exact problem. Look, Faceless, I know you want to bring the crazy to make me happy, but you can use a comb. I'll forgive un-crazed hair for the Emmys. And you were nominated! That means you need to Step Up 2 Tha Streets, hair-wise.

So put all that mess together and what to we get?

No Face, My Blessed Jewel, in all her glory.

God, I love her brand of crazy.

The Best Convo Ever

I don't know if you all read Elle magazine on a regular basis, but the Mily Cyrus issue has one of the greatest "interviews" I have ever read in my life. I discovered it while waiting at the airport with Sadie. There I was, just casually leafing through the mag from back cover to front (the only way to read a magazine) and I saw a pictorial with a completely unrecognizable person. "Who is that?" I thought to myself.

I should have known.

It was the Busiest Actress of All Time!!

I immediately handed the mag over to Sadie and said, "Who do you think that is?' When she couldn't guess (obviously) I turned to the front of the article and we both lost our shit. THEN I read the dialogue January Jones has with Donatella Versace and, to put it plainly, my eyes turned to X's and a flew backward in the air.

I swear on Hero's favorite chew toy that it is worth the cover price of Elle just to read this interview. It's not even an interview so much as the most hilarious exchange of words that has ever seen print. As of today I have read it four times and each time I find new material to guffaw at. Some of my favorite gems:

DV: You can see when a woman walks if she feels sexy. Before my fashion shows, when we're trying out the hair, I ask the models, "Do you feel it?" I always want to pull their hair back, but girls want to wear it down because it makes them feel more feminine. So I let them wear it down.
JJ: I feel sexier when I wear my hair down.
DV: With your face, you can do anything.

DV: I do lots of charities... I'm trying to help construct a school for 600 children... I visited last year, and these children have nothing, but they organized a little fashion show for me, with just pieces of fabric. I still cry when I think about it.

JJ: I’ve seen so many people lose themselves. And I don’t want to become that person. When someone comes all of a sudden to a certain sort of fame, it’s not so much that that person changes, but the people around them change. (Emphasis my own)

And this quote, that's on the Elle website but not in the article, which is shitty, because READ IT:
JJ: I was like, I’m good, I’m fine. Because seven is my favorite number, it’s God’s complete number.

Uh... Can I Get a Side by Side?

This is totally stealing Sadie's post topic, but I feel an urge to write an addendum to her post. Consider this one to be co-authored by Mah Boo Sayday, mmmk? As Sadie mentioned, side by sides great for comparing two or more persons, and can also be used to prove that Wallace Fennel really does look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. As the originator of the now beloved side by side and its accompanying catchphrase, I shall now give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me (at least when it comes to identifying celebs and their lookalikes), and see what my friends like poor Sadie have to endure when they hang out with me.

The One That Started It All:
(From left, allegedly: Cameron Richardson, January Jones, Meredith Monroe)
No matter how many times I have been told otherwise, I'm still pretty convinced that Andie from Dawson's Creek plays Betty on Mad Men, who currently plays Chloe on Harper's Island. Occasionally I believe this fictional woman to also have appeared in an odd Lifetime Movie or Triscuits commercial. She really does get a lot of work.

The Personal SBS:

Another variety of side by side is the personal SBS, also known as "who would play them in a movie?" Above we have a photo of me on the left, and another Creek alum, Michelle Williams, on the right. Fun fact: For awhile my Facebook photo was actually of Michelle Williams, and no one knew. The personal SBS can also have restrictions, like how my mom looks like Laura Dern, but only as Dr. Ellie Sattler in Jurassic Park. In other strange but true familial stories, my dad looks so much like John Denver that he used to get stopped for autographs. As we all know, Sadie looks like cats.

Golden Globs

I totally meant to type "Golden Globes" in the title, but my chubby child fingers wrote "globs" instead, and you know, I think that works just fine.

Let's focus on fashion. This is really what award shows are about, right? I miss the old days when E! would show the red carpet coverage from the past five years on award show morning. I think they lost the rights to that when they lost Joan and Melissa. Rats! Anyway, you already know that I loved Drew Barrymore's cracked out hair and makeup - let's see what else was fabu:

I love, love, LOVED this dress. It's quirky enough to be Maggie Gyllenhaal-esque, but still chic and totally appropriate. This is a great example of how you can get away with stuff at the Golden Globes that you can't at the Oscars. Because of the booze.

Speaking of booze, how great was Ricky Gervais? And bringing his beer onstage to boot! Check out this shitty quality video below:


Sorry about that tangent, but it was important. Back to pretty dresses!

I won't lie to you. I do not enjoy Eva Longoria. I don't see her talent or appeal at all. Even so, she looked amazing last night. This may have been my favorite look of the night.

You know I love it when the kids are age-appropriate. How oddly upsetting that dressing like this is actually kind of rebellious, considering the looks preferred by Hayden's peers.

Elizabeth Bank's dress is sure to get slammed by some for "washing her out," but if you saw her presenting on the TV machine, you know her makeup combated the pastiness very well:

Now let's get to the hot (and not so hot) messes! Really, this is what we live for here at Bongo HQ.

Teen Witch's Sister's clothes never fit on Gossip Girl, why would they fit in real life?

This angle makes Eva Mendes's dress look worse than it really did, but I'm glad someone decided to teach her a lesson.

Obvious choice, as Renee's dress is going to be on the top of every worst-dressed list until the end of time. I can't even think of a snarky comment, it's THAT bad.

Mama T really likes January Jones. For some reason I can't bring myself to second that emotion. It's probably because she always looks terrible. Proof: I knew her from Go Fug Yourself before I recognized her on Mad Men. Never a good sign.

I actually liked Megan Fox's dress. Why she always insists on showcasing her drunkface is beyond me, but she does know how to work a red carpet. Basically, I wanted to take this opportunity to say this: Who the frak are you, Megan Fox?! Why are you famous?! I know you were in Holiday in the Sun, but COME ON.

That's all for now kids, I have to start counting down to the Oscars!