Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Blessed Jewel Shone At The Emmys

You guys. I can't even begin to tell you the kvetch-fest that was happening in my mom's living room when No Face sauntered down the red carpet Sunday night. I had to put my head between my knees, close my eyes and think of England, because OH MY GOD. Just in case you need a refresher before we get down to business:

So that's the full scope of what we're working with. It's Atelier Versace. We know from past research that JJ and Donatella are superclose, so can we assume that this is what Donatella meant when she said that she could interpret No Face's dreams? I give you pull-quote proof from my favorite interview of all time:
Donatella: You just call me. Anything you need, if you have an idea, you just call.
No Face: I'll be calling you all the time! Sometimes I dream about what I'd like to wear...
Donatella: I can interpret your dream.
Now let's get down to the nitty gritty details. THAT DRESS! It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would make out of plastic party cups in a frat house challenge. And when you're wearing what Tim Gunn would call "A whole lotta look," do you really need to add a TRAIN? And one that looks like it weighs 15 pounds and was originally part of the packaging for your Ikea bookcase? And let's talk about the shoes, since we're already on the ground.
Maybe she's wearing those clomper shoes in case she has to make a run for it and Bobby Flay is all the way over in the cheap seats? Look, the shoes are simple and lovely if say, you're due in court. But for one, this is the fucking Emmys, and B, at said Emmys, why would you elect to look like an Amish hooker? Unless of course No Face is researching a role for a Lifetime Movie where she plays an Amish Hooker, in which case I CANNOT WAIT.

I could have waited for JJ to get her hair did before she walked the red carpet, however. Maybe she's trying to frame her non-face in something memorable? Gurl, you still have no face, just with bogus hair. It's not like there's not a whole section of Sephora dedicated to dealing with this exact problem. Look, Faceless, I know you want to bring the crazy to make me happy, but you can use a comb. I'll forgive un-crazed hair for the Emmys. And you were nominated! That means you need to Step Up 2 Tha Streets, hair-wise.
So put all that mess together and what to we get?

No Face, My Blessed Jewel, in all her glory.
God, I love her brand of crazy.

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