Saturday, January 12, 2008


These past few days have been hard, which is weird, because I haven't really been doing anything. I've been trying to get things done and organized before I head off to San Francisco (T-minus 10 days!), but the "adults" in my life are really making it a shit time for me.

I'm trying to get credit for school from my internship, and it's amazingly difficult to get faculty members to return my numerous calls/emails, let alone sponsor me. As of now, I'm getting three hours of credit. That's right. One class. From three months of 24/7 work. This is because the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences won't let me pay my student fees to be enrolled next semester, because it will be a "waste of money," even though paying those fees or not determines how much credit I can get. I keep telling them I'm not on welfare, I don't have any financial aid or scholarships, I pay only pay about $2,000 tuition a semester anyway. They are doing me no favors by trying to save me $500 in student fees. Sometimes you can throw money at a problem and completely make it go away. This is one of those times. But no one wants my money, apparently.

And I feel like this is such an awesome program, and that I can get some legit work done, both for Greenpeace and for college credit, but no one seems to give a shit or want to help me or return my calls. The thing that's really depressing me about this is that it's nothing new. I haven't been taken seriously my whole life.

At the end of this semester I had a pretty upsetting conversation with a professor. Here's a synopsis:

Prof: You don't have to feel bad about being smart, you know. You don't need to hide it.
Me: Um, I don't?
Prof: You are very social in class and you make jokes a lot. It's okay to be smart too. I read your papers. I know you're smart.
Me: Uh ... what?
Prof: You can act smart in class. You don't have to pretend that you're not smart.
Me: I'm not pretending. This is who I really am. I really am this goofy all the time.
Prof: Yeah, okay. Just don't pretend that you're not smart, because you are. You write really excellent papers. You can act smart too.
Me: I thought I did. Uh ... okay. Thanks.

I still don't really understand what happened in this conversation. I'm not sure if she was saying that smart people can't make jokes and smile, or if because I'm fairly decent looking that I can't also be intelligent? I can't have knowledge of celebrity gossip and political theory? Because I can. And I do.

Prejudice is my number one pet peeve. Actually, it's not even a pet peeve. It's an actual problem, and it occurs all the time. If you were bothered by this as much as I am, you'd notice it all the fucking time. Maybe because I'm frequently thought of as unintelligent or silly that I'm particularly upset by prejudice. And the worst part about it is that it does not stop. I have achieved so much in my life and whenever my accomplishments come to people's attention they are always more shocked that I achieved anything at all, rather than impressed by my endeavors. By now you'd think I was used to it, but it disgusts me every time.
The above scenario was particularly distressing because the professor in question was teaching a class in women's studies, which promotes equality and respect and all the things that aren't prevalent in our society. Hopefully I'll eventually get past being treated like an idiot, be respected for my mind instead of my face, and never stop being silly while also being smart. But then again, if no one is going to help me, maybe I'll just fulfill my destiny of being an Eastern European prostitute cum comedienne.

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