Because It's Never That Simple

A few days ago I posted this on The Twitter:

Dogs are weird, so I let Hero roll around and generally go to town on the AstroTurf (Yes, that's AstroTurf, and it's pretty great). There's also a trowel that my dad accidentally left in the yard that Hero has decided to make his own, and now it's disgusting and probably couldn't scoop dry sand. (To be fair, I didn't discover this new non-toy until it was already messed up, if I had known I would have taken it away and given him an actual dog toy.) But hey, he's a dog and I bring him in the yard so he can generally dog around and go nuts without causing harm to anything

So I'm sitting in a chair with my feet up, looking at stupid Craigslist ads on the iPad, and Hero is rolling around like a maniac. Finally I get cold and bored, and my mom is going to buy me dinner, so I pack up my stuff and try to get Hero on his leash so I can take him inside. It's typically a struggle to get him on the leash once he's all hopped up on AstroTurf and trowels, so I usually just sit on the ground until he comes to me and I can wrangle him. I kneel down next to the grass and I see a sight that makes me feel like I have bedbugs under my skin. A DEAD MOUSE. And even worse: IT'S SQUISHED FLAT INTO THE GROUND.

I really get the heebie jeebies from vermin. Rats, mice, ferrets, even gerbils. They freak me out and make me all squirmy for like, hours after I've encountered them. I kind of lose my cool at the sight of this mouse, and I give up on the leash and just walk out of the yard and hope that Hero follows me up the stairs into the house. I'm still shivering at the thought of that nasty-ass mouse when I put Hero in his crate and start driving to my mom's house. It's not until I'm halfway there that I stop being an idiot and put it all together.

Hero was rolling around in the grass like a puppy-pervert.
I found the mouse in the grass.
The mouse was smashed flat like a vermin pancake.
MY DOG ROLLED HIS ENTIRE BODY IN MOUSE CARCASS.

It got even worse from there. I mentioned above that Hero was digging up dirt clods, which he does often. But here were no dirt clods when I went over to leash him up. Yep. HE DUG UP THAT MOUSE AND THEN MOLESTED IT.

When I got home I enlisted my mom's help in scrubbing him down twice, with a nail brush, and washing all his bedding and toys in hot water. We even disinfected the plastic liner of his crate. I told you, I hate little furry crawlies like Palins hate sex-ed.

Hero is fine now, and I refuse to go into the backyard until my dad (and landlord) disposes of that foul beast and makes sure it's securely wrapped up and out of my life. Oh, Jeebus, now I've got the creepy crawlie heebie jeebies all over again.