Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The NJ Housewives And I Are THICK AS THEIVES

This season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is almost TOO good, if that's even possible. I'm so addicted, I wish it were on every night like Degrassi is in the summer. Seriously, bringing in Teresa's sister-in-law and cousin was, in my opinion, the greatest thing to happen in Bravo history (it's actually pushed Being Bobby Brown out of my top spot, it's that good). I'd like to talk about a few of the reasons why RHoNJ Season 3 has stolen my heart.

1. Kathy Walike
I'm pretty sure Kathy is now my new favorite housewife of any city, any season. I mean, obviously Caroline is the one I would want to actually have in my life, but Kathy is the one I like to watch from my couch and cackle at. Kathy is Teresa's first cousin, and it's explained in the show that she basically grew up alongside Teresa and her brother Joe, and is very close with them. Teresa and Joe are now estranged, and Kathy is on Team Joe and Melissa, but likes to talk about how devastated she is about how the family is falling apart. The main thing I like about Kathy are her talking head pieces, where she really gets to shine.

There's one where she goes on forever about how she loves to cook because (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Cooking is like, sustenance. It's... you're nourishing people, and feeding them. You're giving them something that keeps them alive. You're making something with your hands, and that feeds people's bodies..."

Another gem: "I look at myself as well taken care of. Spoiled usually has a bad connotation. Like, when you see spoiled fruit, you wanna throw it away."

If that's not enough, this man is her husband:
He's my second favorite. The unbuttoned shirts! The Jesus piece! The gay stylist glasses! Richie Walike is the whole package.

2. Teresa's Jungle Cat Growl
Teresa Giudice possesses many voices. There's the calm, normal Teresa voice. Then if she's disagreeing with you her voice gets a little bit tense, a little grittier. But you better not mention her family, because then she will unleash what I have dubbed her "Jungle Cat Growl."

We first got a peek during the Season 2 reunion when Danielle took things a step too far. (The good stuff starts at the 3:00 mark)

We get another peek at Teresa's wild side when Kathy says she had to wheel little Audriana out of harm's way during the Christening Party Throwdown.

Sadly, it's not as big of a blow up, but we still get a little peek of crazy, capable-of-flipping-a-table Teresa (Starting at 2:15). My favorite part was when Teresa tries to get some backup from her mom and she says, "Dissa yo cousin you shudda be shama yoself!" Mama Antonia has clearly been to the Caroline Manzo school of parenting.

3. Finally, The Joe Shortage Can End
Men featured this season who are named or go by some version of Joe:
Teresa's husband
Teresa's brother
Joe Gorga's son
Kathy's son

Yes, all those people are directly related to one another. Sheesh.

4. New Catchphrases!
During the opening credits of each Real Housewives series, we meet each housewife and they get to say a little quip about themselves. I've always wondered if the women get to come up with these themselves or have any input, or if they're completely invented by a producer. I only wonder because all too often these little soundbites make the women look completely ridiculous. Let's analyze the ladies' new speeches, shall we?

"Life is about change, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches."
This is clearly in reference to Caroline's empty nest syndrome, which she's been dealing with for THREE SEASONS. To be fair, it's only now that her two sons are actually moving out. Still, for the viewer, watching Caroline get teary about how she no longer has to do laundry all day got a little old two years ago. But! It looks like this season we'll actually get to see her DO something about her newfound free time, so good for her.

"I'm a Jersey girl, no one can knock me down."
Being from New Jersey has nothing to do with being volatile (let's just admit that's what she means). Being the housewife most likely to have mob ties that's also part jungle cat? THAT makes you hard to knock down.

"I can hold my own; I AM my own person"
I'm guessing this is in reference to Ashley walking all over her? I see no change. Jacqueline is acting like Chris tricked her into letting Ashley get a car, but then Jacqueline co-signed for it! And then they said that if Ashley acted like a little shit (which she obvs will) they would return the car. If Ashley misses her car payments won't that just leave Jacqueline with a car to pay for? Ashley is a mess and it hurts to watch her interact with Jacqueline and Chris. I get the feeling that Jacqueline is trying to start over with her boys, and I say go with God, gurlfren.

"I have a life that most girls only dream of"
Melissa is delusional. Even so, she's so much more tolerable than Danielle and, dare I say it, entertaining. She clearly is playing to the cameras, but at least she doesn't whore herself out and then pretend she was taken advantage of. If there's one thing we can be sure of about Melissa, she's certainly not shy.
"People say that I'm sweet... But I'm tough, so don't cross me."
I think I've already established that Kathy is ridiculous. And that I love her madly.

Melissa, it turns out, has a passion for singing. It's clear this is going to be a big part of this season, with Melissa seriously pursuing a singing career. Melissa isn't a great singer, but it's not going to be terrible watching her sing throughout the show. I mean, she's definitely the best "singer" to come out of the Real Housewives franchise, if that's worth anything (it isn't).

Anyway, Melissa is putzing around her livingroom-sized closet singing "Amazing Grace" when, clear as a bell, she sings, "...that saved a WENCH like me..."
And just like that, my approval rating of Melissa, and in fact, RHoNJ season 3, went up about a bajillion points.

6. The Moral
Every season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey really only has one message, one kernel of truth that remains through every fight, every re-casting, every Posche fashion show. DON'T FUCK WITH CAROLINE MANZO.
"I heard you don't wash your face before bed. FIX IT, okay?"

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