A Love Letter to Sue Moss

I think Nancy Grace is hilarious. Her show is like if Chris Matthews was the editor of Us Weekly and it was televised. She takes things like Brit Brit's custody battle so seriously. She even brings on multiple attorneys to discuss how long Lindz should get in the pokey, etc.

My favorite of Nancy's hags, though, is Sue Moss.

She has no facial expression other than a sort of bored scowl, but her lips are like Cirque du Soleil performers. Her mouth is so large and moves with such fervor when she talks that she always looks kind of like a snarling dog with glass eyes:You can also kind of tell from this screencap that Sue talks loudly, slowly, and tenaciously. Just like Nancy! Also, there are rumors on the interweb that Mizz Moss is totally dyking it up . . . with Nancy! I made up that last part, only because I think Moss and Grace would totes be the new Brangelina. Except that they'd spend their time talking about Brangelina. And how they used to be actual, professional attorneys. But at least they're better off than Star Jones.

The best thing about Sue Moss, though, is that she totally freestyles all of her opinions. Here are just a few gems from Sue's handbag o' rhymes:

"Lindsay Lo, caught with blow, to jail she must go."
"Brit has been so lit, she'll be lucky if she can even babysit."
"The Juice deserves the noose!"

And a few more quotes that don't rhyme but still crack my shit up:

"And it ain't over until the anorexic lady sings, and I haven't yet heard a song."
"One only has to remember Rambo: First Blood to see what these officers might be in for."

Because she shows no signs of expression and talks so slowly (in her deafening Long Island drawl), yet comes up with some sweet freestyles, I'm pretty sure Sue Moss is what would happen if Busta Rhymes had a stroke.

Check out my girlfriend in action. You have to wait until the end of the clip, but you get to watch Nancy make fun of a guy who stutters while you wait. Win-Win-Win!