Intense Hand Cream For the Dead

I was shopping with my moms today and simultaneously ranting about my batshit crazy hands. First of all, they are child hands: Size of an adult's hands, but look like a child's.
Also, my hands are always really, really dry. There is no lotion, no treatment, nothing that seems to remedy this for longer than 20 minutes. My hands are so dry that they peel. They are so dry that they crack. They are so dry that I sometimes over-tip when I get manicures because I'm so sorry that someone had to deal with them as their job.

Needless to say, I am always on the lookout for a remedy to this problem. The problem with having dry hands instead of, say, any other body part, is that the hands are the primary tools of life. You use your hands for fucking everything. (heh heh.) But seriously, if you put on some really greasy lotion that cures your dry-hands disease, you can't open any containers or hold on to anything for like, an hour. I don't know about you guys, but I have a fucking life to live.

While shopping with my mom today I was trying to describe my perfect hand cream, which, naturally, I'd have to create myself: "It'd be like, olive oil in lard. But magically non-greasy. I'd call it Intense Hand Cream For the Dead."

I'm still looking/wishing for this product, but here's where the hunt has taken me so far.
Weleda Skin Food is one of the greatest products on Earth. I use it for all my moisturizing needs. But it's a little too greasy to use as an everyday hand cream. I still keep a tube around at all times, though, because it is really a miracle product for all other things, including chapped lips.
Eucerin Intensive Repair Hand Creme. Very close to my own imaginary product name. This one is actually very close to being the best, but it doesn't have the lasting effects that I crave. Who wants to keep lotioning up their paws all day long? I don't work at some rub n' tug massage parlor, and I don't want to act like I do.

I've also tried products from Dove, Neutrogena, Carol's Daughter, Burt's Bees, and a shitload of others. Right now I'm using L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream, which is really famous for being the best hand cream, but it's still a little greasy for my discerning tastes.Even so, winter is coming up, and I am riding my bike everywhere, so I guess I'll just have to deal with a little grease to spare my hands from further looking as raw as intestines. (Nice image, right? Yeah, happy fucking winter.)