I Didn't Know Albert Einstein Had Tattoos

But I did know that he married his cousin.

Rats With Wings

I'm deathly afraid of birds. Actually, I should say that I was deathly afraid of birds, and now my phobia has transformed into heightened fear/extreme dislike.

And so, upon seeing this picture, only thought in my head was, "Yep. That looks about right."

Racist Chimp

One More Reason ASkars is Everyone's Imaginary Boyfriend

Apparently they have the "Shopping Cart" dance in Sweden, too.

Granny Panties With A Granny Message

This made me laugh for a good five minutes. Much better than shit like this.

It Takes Two

I got the H1N1 vaccine this week, and I'm convinced it poisoned me, since I have a sore throat, an overactive imagination, and a need for attention. But if I die, it will have been at the hand of that woman down at the sketchy public health department who accused me of lying about my medical history. Hey lady! Go hold some crack baby - I doubt you could do much harm since they're already poisoned!

So I may be curled in the fetal position on death's door, but if there were one thing that could cure all the terrible diseases in the world (both real and imaginary), it would be this picture:

Sweet baby Jesus. Let's get a close up of that, shall we?

And how about a side by side, for old time's sake?

Amazing. I'm cured.

... ALRIGHT!

Does No One Check These Things?

Screen grab taken from Hulu's main TV page.

Hanging With Hero: A Story in Pictures

 

  

  

  

  

  

 

Sadie's Twin: The Remix

Remember when I found that cat that looked just like Sadie? HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

Sadie, I believe this will be your claim to fame.

My Latest Love

I can't even describe how much I love this picture. The only way it could get better for me would be if I was somehow personally involved in it, like this classic bit of photo genius:

 The patriarch of the family that I work for saw this photo in my wallet recently and asked what the fuck was going on there (I paraphrase). My answer was, inappropriately enough, "Oh, that's just me at the humane society with some young urban girls." He laughed, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get fired. WELCOME TO POST RACIAL AMERICA! WOOOOOOO!

Dedicated to Sadie

I just stumbled upon this picture of a cat in a wig.

I only had to look at it for a second to realize why it looks so familiar. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE SADIE.

That is all. Except that the goat in the picture is named Jacob Black.

Beyonce v. Buzz Lightyear

I can't walk by a Club Libby Lu or watch videos of puppies on YouTube without hearing Beyonce's smash hit "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)." It's everywhere! The song is confusing at best: Is she a bad feminist? What do the lyrics really mean? Isn't Beyonce becoming kind of a bug-a-boo? And then the video! Why does she have a robot hand? Why is she dancing in an all-white capsule?

I have the answer.

Beyonce is passionately obsessed with Buzz Lightyear. And here's my proof:

1. The robot hand.
I don't know if the robot hand is a glove or what engagement rings of the future are supposed to look like. It's not like the video gives it any context either. But there is a connection to a certain Star Command captain. Here's a shot of Beyonce's robotic appendage:

And here's Buzz in his spacesuit:

Clearly from these two photos both Beyonce and Buzz have not only similar taste in accessories, but also dance moves.

2. Passion for Outer Space
We know Buzz Lightyear is a fan of intergalactic travel. How else would he defeat the evil Emperor Zurg?! But Beyonce seems to have both feet on terra firma. Until the Single Ladies video that is.

I feel like I've seen a non-set like this before in some movie or another...

Ooooh, right.

3. Catchphrase
Buzz Lightyear will forever be known for two things: Marking the beginning of the end of Tim Allen's career, and providing us with the catchphrase, "To infinity and beyond!"

Beyonce must be really into Buzz Lightyear, because in her own video she gives his catchphrase a little shout-out at the 2:17 mark:

Here's a taste of the lyrics, for those of you who don't want to wade through the vid:

Don't treat me to these things of this world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Here's a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond

Also, B's not into "These things of this world," eh? Neither is Buzz. He even almost choked to death from Earth's atmosphere when Woody forced off his helmet.

I hope it's clear to you all that Beyonce is either obsessed with Buzz Lightyear, or that she wishes to absorb his fame into her own and use it to control the world. Either way, I think my work here is done.

Golden Globs

I totally meant to type "Golden Globes" in the title, but my chubby child fingers wrote "globs" instead, and you know, I think that works just fine.

Let's focus on fashion. This is really what award shows are about, right? I miss the old days when E! would show the red carpet coverage from the past five years on award show morning. I think they lost the rights to that when they lost Joan and Melissa. Rats! Anyway, you already know that I loved Drew Barrymore's cracked out hair and makeup - let's see what else was fabu:

I love, love, LOVED this dress. It's quirky enough to be Maggie Gyllenhaal-esque, but still chic and totally appropriate. This is a great example of how you can get away with stuff at the Golden Globes that you can't at the Oscars. Because of the booze.

Speaking of booze, how great was Ricky Gervais? And bringing his beer onstage to boot! Check out this shitty quality video below:


Sorry about that tangent, but it was important. Back to pretty dresses!

I won't lie to you. I do not enjoy Eva Longoria. I don't see her talent or appeal at all. Even so, she looked amazing last night. This may have been my favorite look of the night.

You know I love it when the kids are age-appropriate. How oddly upsetting that dressing like this is actually kind of rebellious, considering the looks preferred by Hayden's peers.

Elizabeth Bank's dress is sure to get slammed by some for "washing her out," but if you saw her presenting on the TV machine, you know her makeup combated the pastiness very well:

Now let's get to the hot (and not so hot) messes! Really, this is what we live for here at Bongo HQ.

Teen Witch's Sister's clothes never fit on Gossip Girl, why would they fit in real life?

This angle makes Eva Mendes's dress look worse than it really did, but I'm glad someone decided to teach her a lesson.

Obvious choice, as Renee's dress is going to be on the top of every worst-dressed list until the end of time. I can't even think of a snarky comment, it's THAT bad.

Mama T really likes January Jones. For some reason I can't bring myself to second that emotion. It's probably because she always looks terrible. Proof: I knew her from Go Fug Yourself before I recognized her on Mad Men. Never a good sign.

I actually liked Megan Fox's dress. Why she always insists on showcasing her drunkface is beyond me, but she does know how to work a red carpet. Basically, I wanted to take this opportunity to say this: Who the frak are you, Megan Fox?! Why are you famous?! I know you were in Holiday in the Sun, but COME ON.

That's all for now kids, I have to start counting down to the Oscars!

FYI: There Is a God

I was sure that I had mentioned my love for How I Met Your Mother previously, but a search of the ol' archives shows that I have not. WELL! I shall change that immediately.

You guys, this show is so good. Honestly, I laugh out loud at only two shows currently on television: One is 30 Rock, the other is HIMYM. That's right, you damn hipsters - even though HIMYM is on CBS (the offical network of geriatrics and procedural crime dramas), and it doesn't get much coverage in the media, and it also gets sandbagged with shitty guest stars (Brit Brit, Enrique Iglesias...), even through all that, THIS SHOW IS HILARIOUS AND ADORABLE.

Anyway, let's get to the meat in this sandwich. I started re-watching season 1 last night and was finally confronted with something that's been bugging me for months. The crisis I am speaking of is Jason Segel's (Marshall's) hair.  He is so cute and endearing, I just want to kiss him. Jason Segel is heartwarming himself (mainly because of his association with the new Muppet movie), but I'm more drawn to Marshall, his character on the show. Here's how Jason/Marshall looked in season 1:

All together now: Awww. But for some reason he decided to mar season 4 with this terrible mess:

I couldn't find a picture that was up-close enough, so I stole this one from the Fug Girls. The point is: EWWWWWW.  The hair has just gotten worse as the season has progressed. BUT! This Monday, salvation was found. Cute Marshall is back!

Even Lily is like, "Damn, gurl I'm glad you fixed that hair 'cuz you looked SKANKY." And she would know. Alyson Hannigan/Lily has never looked better than she has lately:

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Best. Hair. Ever. And Jason/Marshall gets an honorable mention as most improved. Just because I'm generous.

... And Not In a Good Way

Today we were blessed with the new Louis Vweeeton ads featuring (newly documented as batshit) Madge:

Is it me, or is this actually a picture of Evan Rachel Wood?
Here's a side-by-side comparison, albeit in not so cute quality:

Dude. I know Madonna drinks like, placenta milkshakes or whatever, but there's no way a 50 year old should be mistaken for a 22 year old. The person responsible for photoshopping this ad is more heavy handed than ERW's ex "Manson" with his eyeliner brush. BURN.

Whoa

I survived surgery. No need to yank the ladyparts. Actually the abortionist said things look pretty good in there (wtf?). Now for some reason I am awake even though I'm pretty sure I'm exhausted. But I just had a revelation!

Know how in the last post I wrote about my amazingly strong genes? Well I'm also one of those people that's looked the same my entire life. I was looking at the baby picture I posted and the small pic in the upper right corner of the page and realized that I'm really no different 19 years later. Creepy.

Who All Seen the Leprechaun Say, "Yeah!"

I went to a Jason Mraz concert once in LA. James Blunt was the opening act (this was before anyone knew who James Blunt was) and I totally cried. The James Blunt Crying Story is one of those moments I should be completely embarrassed about, but I make a point of telling everyone.

But back to J. Mraz. He was actually really amazing in concert. Way more talented than you'd think for someone who gets played on adult contemporary radio. He's also very funny, which is why this theory I'm about to propose could actually be legit: 

Is the cover of Jason Mraz's latest album, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things, supposed to look like the eyewitness drawing of the Mobile, Alabama Leprechaun? 

Here's the album cover:  

And here's the "eyewitness drawing:" 

I think Jason Mraz may BE the Alabama Leprechaun! Or he's a crackhead who got ahold of the wrong stuff. Watch the instaclassic video of the leprechaun sighting below.

Step Off My Steez

Maggie Gyllenhaal stole my haircut:

'

I would be all, "Bitch, please," but I'm feeling generous. Instead I'm going to say, "Now we're both heartbreakingly adorable!"

Amy WiseHouse

Ames is clearly sending telepathic messages to her chum, warning her to never again walk the streets in cankle boot and a visible garter. There's cracked out and then there's cracked out.