Things I Scream For (4)

Last night I saw Scream 4 (Or Scre4m, as some are choosing to market it). I have to say, it was pretty good. I'd give it a B+. Entertainment Weekly gave it a B-, but I think I liked it better because I love teenager stuff and so does (screenwriter) Kevin Williamson, and that brings us together in a special bond. I'd upgrade it to an A- if the ending were less implausible. To have a plot-holey ending in a movie that's based on, and enjoyable because of, an implausible premise is just kind of lazy. But no spoilers here, because Scream 4 is still good enough that you should see it. But first, let me tell you (without spoilers!) what I took away from the movie.

1. I'm a devoted fan of all things Culkin. (Anecdote: I had a friend who looked just like a Culkin, but with a lazy eye, and one night I drunkenly told him that I was originally friends with him just because of my Culkin obsession. He was cool with it.) Rory Culkin is in Scream 4 and I could not be more delighted. The movie could have looked like total bullshit and I would have seen it just for him. I would watch a Culkin do algebra.

2. Hayden Panettiere has quite a few costume changes. I'd say at least 4, maybe as many as 8. ALL of them include shrunken blazers, and I think maybe one shrunken leather jacket. Maybe her character had the same wardrobe budget as Ghostface. Get it? Because they both wear the same thing the whole movie?! HAR HAR.

3. In traditional Scream fashion, the first scene is fantastic.

4. Think of an actor. They are in this film. Well, pretty much.

5. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Allison Brie wears a coat that is practically the same coat Kate Winslet wears at the end of Titanic. I mentioned it about three times to my friend Emily, who was sitting next to me, tolerating my jibber jabber. But she agreed.

Not the best side by side, I admit. But it was really hard to 

find decent pictures, so just believe me on this one. 

Oscars Side by Side (Already!)

The E! red carpet coverage was only on for a half hour, and I had already found a great side by side.

Nominee for Winter's Bone, Jennifer Lawrence, appears to be wearing the dress ScarJo wore to the Golden Globes in 2006 when Isaac Mizrahi famously poked her in the boob.

(I also saw on Twitter that some people thought she was wearing a dress version of a Baywatch swimsuit)

Katy Perry Doesn't Get Out of Bed Without a Side By Side

Remember when Russell Brand Tweeted a picture of his lovely bride Katy Perry Brand Perry without makeup and she was all, "Take that shit down or I'm sending you out on the elephant you rode in on" and the world at large was like, 'Awww, stars! They're just like us!"

Well, I saw the pic and immediately saw a side by side. Specifically, a side by side with Miz Brand-Perry-Make-Up-Your-Mindhole and Jena Malone (Star of Stepmom, Saved!, and, inexplicably, Pride and Prejudice). See for yourselves:

Another thing these two have in common? They both spell their names wrong.

Or a Waiter

I watched the movie Daybreakers a week or so ago. If you're not familiar, it's a film made by some Australian brothers about a global outbreak of vampirism that leaves the human race almost extinct. If you're interested in movies about dystopias or just weird shit, you should check it out. Spoiler alert: There are many, many instances of bodies blowing up and spewing blood and guts all over the place. Some people find exploding bodies disturbing, but what always makes me uncomfortable is when movies and TV shows show scenes where an entire room is covered in blood and mangled bodies, and the characters don't make any indication of the fact that it must smell awful. If I were in a room full of dismembered bodies I'd at least wrinkle my nose, if not start tearing up from the stankiness.

The other thing that distracted me during Daybreakers was Ethan Hawke's wardrobe. Mainly the fact that for the last third of the movie he's dressed as Han Solo. Can I get a side by side?

Look, if you wear a white shirt, black vest, and charge into rooms of weird creatures wielding a gun, you're gonna look like Han Solo. Maybe it was intentional, but it was definitely a distraction.

Top Cat + Snagglepuss = Snooki

Last night I was working, which means I was getting paid to have a dance party with seven year old girls and watch someone else's HBO. I know it sounds luxurious, but sometimes playing Mary Poppins on Saturday night is the worst. I finished my book, there was nothing on TV, and it's practically impossible to pig out when you're on a gluten-free diet. I decided to watch a little SNL to pass the time, and although it was a lackluster episode (seriously SNL, we would understand if you just had Justin Timberlake host every season finale from now until 2075), I did come to a startling revelation re: Bobby Moynihan's impression of everyone's favorite guidette Snooki. In case you're not familiar, here's a clip from Saturday's show:

I don't know if he's never actually watched Jersey Shore, or if he's just a Hanna-Barbera enthusiast, but Mr. Moynihan's impression is actually just an impression of Snagglepuss mixed with Top Cat and dressed as Snooki for Halloween. I was so ready to blow your minds with a video side-by-side, but when I was looking up Bobby Moynihan on Wikipedia I found out that HE HAS DONE A SNAGGLEPUSS IMPRESSION ON WEEKEND UPDATE.

Now compare Moynihan's Snagglepuss voice and his Snooki voice to the actual voice of Snooki:

He sounds nothing like her, right? The only similarities are the poof and the orange patina (which I guess in SNL terms makes a good impression?) But take the Top Cat accent and add the long vowels of Snagglepuss and you've got Bobby Moynihan's "Snooki." I'll prove it.

To sum up,

Jolie-Pitt-Spears-Federline

Every time I see a picture of the Jolie-Pitt twinsies I'm struck by how much Knox looks like Brit-Brit's second born, Jayden James. Can I get a side by side?

That's JJ Speaderline on the left, Knox "Berry Farm" Jolie-Pitt on the right. I bet when Ange sees this she's going to be all, "We have reached Spears Threat Level Midnight. Give Knox a mohawk or a Sanskrit tattoo before Jamie Lynn tries to put orange soda in his bottle!"

Oscar Red Carpet: A Story in Side by Sides

Seriously, I live my life in side by sides. My reaction to everything is basically a MadLibs that goes, "Hey, X looks just like Y." Not since The BBC's Robin Hood have I experienced a deluge of side by sides like I did during the red carpet coverage of this year's Oscars.

The first Oscar dress I saw was Anna Kendrick's. Let me just say, I really like her. Have you seen Rocket Science? She's amazing in it. I actually heard that she was chosen for Up in the Air based on her performance in Rocket Science, which makes since because the two characters are the same. Her dress, however pretty I thought it was, reminded me only of the cover of a romance novel.

Anna plays the role of Belle, a planation heiress who was lounging in her boudoir with her forbidden lover when suddenly, the horses all somehow escape from the pasture, and Belle must cover her undergarments (and heaving bosom) in a sheer curtain before she and Fabio run into the nearby field to retrieve the horses and swoon over each other.

Then we have Charlize Theron. Ohhhhh GURL. All I could, and still can, think of when I see her dress is Janet Jackson's infamous Rolling Stone cover:

I think this one speaks for itself.

The other similarity isn't meant to be humorous, or overly insightful, it's just something I noticed. When Halle Berry won her Best Acress Oscar in 2002 she wore an Elie Saab dress with a sheer, accented top and an opaque skirt. Sandra Bullock won her Best Actress Oscar tonight, and wore a Marchesa dress with an almost identical theme:

That Halle Berry tidbit is a great example of my ability to retain knowledge that is pretty useless. That is, until someone says, "This kitten dies unless you can tell me who designed Halle Berry's 2002 Oscars dress!" Then I'll finally be recognized for the red carpet savant that I truly am.

Hero's Fashion Overhaul

Although he is a dog that refuses to wear any kind of sweater/coat/warmth retainer, Hero does wear a collar on a regular basis. He has a tag with his name and my phone number, a county-required "I don't have rabies" tag, and a pass for the dog park. Being a small dog, I think all these tags are a bit much for him, but oh well. I feel better knowing that he's got my digits on his neck, and the other tags are occupational hazards (Hero's occupation being that of "pet dog").

Hero's current collar situation has been in need of a remedy for a long time. He has been sporting an Earth Dog collar for almost a year, but it's just not working out. Here's the thing: Earth Dog makes lovely products, but they are most definitely suited for larger dogs. And Hero weighs 20 pounds. He could wear one of my bracelets as a belt. A one inch thick collar just looks kind of ridiculous on him. Can I get a side by side to illustrate my point?

Yep, that's about right.

So I know what you're saying to yourself, "Get the dog a new, slimmer collar and shut the eff up, Ladyface!" But, this being my life, there are a few more complications to he story. Hero, bless his furry heart, has quite sensitive skin. Regular collars turn his poor throat into a hairless, scabby mess. This is why I turned to Earth Dog in the first place - they make high quality hemp collars, which are all natural and free of those pesky chemicals and puppy-irritating whatsits that upset the delicate balance that is Hero's existence.

Now, I don't know why this is, but it's surprisingly hard to find a plain, natural, thin dog collar. My only theory is that most people with small dogs are also the kind that dress up their pooches in foofy collars and raincoats or whatever. All I want is a skinny, black collar that won't leave my dog's chest and neck looking like Britney's weave tracks.

I've been hunting online for what seems like forever. I would find a good collar, but it only came in a goofy pattern, or it came in plain colors, but they were all like lime green or purple. Then, FINALLY, I found the Holy Grail:

Good Dog Company's Hemp + Organic Cotton Corduroy Collar. They come in normal colors and a variety of sizes. It took me a fair amount of time to find a site that had the 1/2" collar in black, but I finally found one at a site called Olive (Slogan: Green Goods for Modern Dogs).

So now the collar dilemma is solved. But there's still the issue of Hero's plethora of tags. His ID tag is completely indecipherable at this point. It's a metal dog bone shape with his info engraved, but I guess it was made a little too on the cheap, since it's now covered in so many scratches even I can't read it. While I was giving Herocious a makeover,  figured I would get him a new tag as well as a new collar. I looked around (and around, and around) and finally came to my senses and turned to my favorite emporium of all things awesome. I don't know why I didn't just go to Etsy in the first place! Check out this badassery:

A superhero themed tag for my superhero themed dog?! YES FUCKING PLEASE. The creator of this masterpiece, purepanache, has a lot of other great products, and if you have a dog or like awesome things I highly suggest you visit her Etsy store.

So now Hero is all set to rock the socks off the doggie fashion world. I've been checking the mail every day waiting for my purchases, I'm so excited. It's about time that dog put some decent clothes on. SHEESH.

I've Got a Dirty Thumb: A Tale of Robin Hood and Side By Sides

So many things. First of all, Netflix has put up a shit ton of British TV on instant watch, so that's basically what's been going on in my life. This has allowed me to remove some shows from my regular Netflix queue and watch them more... instantly. The BBC series Robin Hood has been in my queue for what feels like forever, and I keep moving it down the line in favor of other stuff, but now I've finally started the first season and I've come to an amazing realization:

IT IS CHOCK FULL OF SIDE BY SIDES!
(Disclaimer before we get to the SBS Slide show: I took screengrabs of the R. Hood cast because all the images that came up on Google were photoshopped like this)

I'll start off with the one that consistently confuses and disorients me; The Sheriff of Nottingham AKA Billy Joel.

But wait! There's more! The Sheriff's right hand man, Guy of Gisborne, is totally Bradley Cooper (in a Bronson Pinchot wig):

And the Side By Side action doesn't stop with the bad guys. Ooooh no. One of R. Hood's merry maids men is quite the Gael Garcia Bernal lookalike:

Robin also cruises Sherwood Forest with a guy who has Jemaine Clement's lips. I recognized them right away because I keep a picture of Jemaine's lips in my wallet. (Also, just found out from Google that there is no R in Jemaine's name. WHAT.)

And although Jonas Armstrong, who plays the titular hero, doesn't really inspire any shocking Side By Sides, he has a total Ryan Gosling vibe going on.

The only bummer about the show is that so far (though, I'm just getting started in the series) there's no Prince John! Then again, someone already set a pretty high standard:

I'm also bummed that I can't seem to find a video where PJ actually delivers the line, "I've got a dirty thumb," but here's a hilarious clip in Danish.

Another weird thing about the show is the amount of makeup the women wear. Seriously, you expect me to just accept that a woman in the 12th Century has eye makeup like this:

Homegurl,
1) You can't afford to bathe
2) Your roof is made of hay
3) You cannot possibly have access to a smokey eye palette

But other than that the show is pretty soapy and enjoyable. But it could use more sex. Like I often say, there's a reason they made the cartoon Robin Hood a fox.

ADDENDUM

Okay. Scrap everything from The Gift Guide. All anyone needs for the holidays is a Lady Gaga Barbie: 

(There are more at the link, but this one is the best because it looks like Posh Spice dressed as Lady Gaga for Halloween.)

My Dad's Review of Avatar

"It's a classic John Locke story."

At first I laughed at him, but I thought about it for awhile and have decided he's actually pretty dead on.

The Guide Cometh!

I'm just wrapping up the planning stages of the annual Don't You Bongo Holiday Gift Guide. I'm trying a different layout this year, so there's some tweaking going on. This means there will be even MORE for you to covet, ponder, and be all "What the fuck?" about. I hope to have the first post up Wednesday. And it's almost midnight here, so I guess that means you'll be reading this on Wednesday anyway! GAH what a mind fuck! 

In the meantime, here's something I've been pondering myself lately...

 Ed Westwick and Ne-Yo: Eerily similar looking? Mostly in the eyes? Can I get a side by side?

Note: I found Ne-Yo pics through a site called "Black Gay Gossip." Perfect.

It Takes Two

I got the H1N1 vaccine this week, and I'm convinced it poisoned me, since I have a sore throat, an overactive imagination, and a need for attention. But if I die, it will have been at the hand of that woman down at the sketchy public health department who accused me of lying about my medical history. Hey lady! Go hold some crack baby - I doubt you could do much harm since they're already poisoned!

So I may be curled in the fetal position on death's door, but if there were one thing that could cure all the terrible diseases in the world (both real and imaginary), it would be this picture:

Sweet baby Jesus. Let's get a close up of that, shall we?

And how about a side by side, for old time's sake?

Amazing. I'm cured.

Project Runway: Chino Edition

I only just now watched last week's Project Runway. I know, but it's not to the point yet where I'm salivating at the thought of next week's episode. Maybe when they get rid of some dead weight like Nicholas and annoyances like Theresa I'll be more excited to watch. You're probably thinking, "There's no one on PR this season named Theresa!" You're right. I just call "Irina" Theresa because she looks just like Ryan Atwood's baby mama from The OC. This time I know what you're thinking, and yes, you can get a side by side.

That's Irina on the left. She even has Theresa's tough girl Chino 'tude. She was just Theresa's doppelganger until this week, when she started snarking on everyone, including Althea, who has actually been in the top three AND won (unlike Theresa). And then when Irina/Theresa won the challenge this week she was all, "It's about time."

The only way Irina/Theresa can redeem herself in my eyes is for her to design a Ryan Atwood inspired evening gown made entirely out of wife beaters and accessorized with a leather choker. Actually, that's a great idea. Season 7, perhaps?

Uh... Can I Get a Side by Side?

This is totally stealing Sadie's post topic, but I feel an urge to write an addendum to her post. Consider this one to be co-authored by Mah Boo Sayday, mmmk? As Sadie mentioned, side by sides great for comparing two or more persons, and can also be used to prove that Wallace Fennel really does look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. As the originator of the now beloved side by side and its accompanying catchphrase, I shall now give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me (at least when it comes to identifying celebs and their lookalikes), and see what my friends like poor Sadie have to endure when they hang out with me.

The One That Started It All:
(From left, allegedly: Cameron Richardson, January Jones, Meredith Monroe)
No matter how many times I have been told otherwise, I'm still pretty convinced that Andie from Dawson's Creek plays Betty on Mad Men, who currently plays Chloe on Harper's Island. Occasionally I believe this fictional woman to also have appeared in an odd Lifetime Movie or Triscuits commercial. She really does get a lot of work.

The Personal SBS:

Another variety of side by side is the personal SBS, also known as "who would play them in a movie?" Above we have a photo of me on the left, and another Creek alum, Michelle Williams, on the right. Fun fact: For awhile my Facebook photo was actually of Michelle Williams, and no one knew. The personal SBS can also have restrictions, like how my mom looks like Laura Dern, but only as Dr. Ellie Sattler in Jurassic Park. In other strange but true familial stories, my dad looks so much like John Denver that he used to get stopped for autographs. As we all know, Sadie looks like cats.