In Case You Need A Hero Break

I often take a Hero break during the day. As we all know, life is sometimes difficult and frustrating. It's nice to look at an adorable dog for a minute and remember the good things in life. Hero is definitely a good thing.

An Adorable Murderer

Hero got a new toy yesterday. He can't have any toys that have stuffing or are easily ripped apart. This is because his favorite game is "murder." Seriously, he's a maniac. I have to get him toys made for labradors and mastiffs. He weighs less than some cats, assuming that there are cats that weigh more than 25 pounds.

Small dogs like Hero can't play with tennis balls or frisbees too easily. They're pretty much expected to play with stuffed animals. There are all these great toys like a stuffed iPhone (sorry, iBone), or a Mr. Hanky (sorry again, Mr. Poops), you know, toys you wouldn't mind having strewn across your house. But NO. Since I don't want my darling doggie to die of a belly full of fluff, I have to get him weasels.

What is a weasel, you ask?

It's a stuffing-free toy that comes in many delightful breeds such as skunk (shown above), fox, pheasant, raccoon, and sometimes an unidentifiable creature. Hero once had a toy that fell in this last category, and I started calling it the weasel. The name stuck and now each new stuffing-free furry tube sock toy is known as a weasel. Even when it's clearly an elephant.

They get pretty disgusting, these weasels. That one in the picture? That's brand new. It hasn't yet been tainted by dog saliva, been dragged across the floor, or been murdered countless times. And even in mint condition, it still looks pretty nasty. It's only downhill from there.

But you guys, Hero loves weasels. And I love Hero. So weasels he shall have.

He was due for a fresh victim, and my mom happened to find some on sale (oh yeah, they cost like, $10 each. It doesn't even have stuffing!). Hero got a brand new "duck" weasel, which he immediately massacred while I snuck the old weasel into the trash. He's so enamored with this new toy, it's really pretty cute. He takes it everywhere, and when he's not trying to tear it to shreds he's lovingly cuddling it while he sleeps. It seems like every time I turn around there's Hero canoodling with his latest victim.

This is how I found the two of them asleep on my bed yesterday. I reached out to give Hero a little pet, and he pulled his paws in closer and hugged that weasel tight to his chest. He didn't even wake up, he just snuggled in with his toy and dreamt of all the fun they would have. It was so sweet, I bet just seeing it could have cured terrible diseases. If Helen Keller was near Hero when he hugged his weasel it would fix all that shit she had going on - it was that magical.

Then today I'm sitting in the living room watching Pretty Little Liars, and I turn around to see that Hero has made himself a little love nest.

He's lying on a pillow, using his weasel as a pillow for his head! Sometimes he's so cute I kind of can't stand it. And that? Right up there? That's why I can't stop buying him gross weasely toys, or letting him occasionally stage a weasel genocide all over my house.

Meet My Roommate

Because It's Never That Simple

A few days ago I posted this on The Twitter:

Dogs are weird, so I let Hero roll around and generally go to town on the AstroTurf (Yes, that's AstroTurf, and it's pretty great). There's also a trowel that my dad accidentally left in the yard that Hero has decided to make his own, and now it's disgusting and probably couldn't scoop dry sand. (To be fair, I didn't discover this new non-toy until it was already messed up, if I had known I would have taken it away and given him an actual dog toy.) But hey, he's a dog and I bring him in the yard so he can generally dog around and go nuts without causing harm to anything

So I'm sitting in a chair with my feet up, looking at stupid Craigslist ads on the iPad, and Hero is rolling around like a maniac. Finally I get cold and bored, and my mom is going to buy me dinner, so I pack up my stuff and try to get Hero on his leash so I can take him inside. It's typically a struggle to get him on the leash once he's all hopped up on AstroTurf and trowels, so I usually just sit on the ground until he comes to me and I can wrangle him. I kneel down next to the grass and I see a sight that makes me feel like I have bedbugs under my skin. A DEAD MOUSE. And even worse: IT'S SQUISHED FLAT INTO THE GROUND.

I really get the heebie jeebies from vermin. Rats, mice, ferrets, even gerbils. They freak me out and make me all squirmy for like, hours after I've encountered them. I kind of lose my cool at the sight of this mouse, and I give up on the leash and just walk out of the yard and hope that Hero follows me up the stairs into the house. I'm still shivering at the thought of that nasty-ass mouse when I put Hero in his crate and start driving to my mom's house. It's not until I'm halfway there that I stop being an idiot and put it all together.

Hero was rolling around in the grass like a puppy-pervert.
I found the mouse in the grass.
The mouse was smashed flat like a vermin pancake.
MY DOG ROLLED HIS ENTIRE BODY IN MOUSE CARCASS.

It got even worse from there. I mentioned above that Hero was digging up dirt clods, which he does often. But here were no dirt clods when I went over to leash him up. Yep. HE DUG UP THAT MOUSE AND THEN MOLESTED IT.

When I got home I enlisted my mom's help in scrubbing him down twice, with a nail brush, and washing all his bedding and toys in hot water. We even disinfected the plastic liner of his crate. I told you, I hate little furry crawlies like Palins hate sex-ed.

Hero is fine now, and I refuse to go into the backyard until my dad (and landlord) disposes of that foul beast and makes sure it's securely wrapped up and out of my life. Oh, Jeebus, now I've got the creepy crawlie heebie jeebies all over again.

Hero's Makeover: The Results Show

You may remember Hero being in great need of a fashion overhaul. His new collar and tag arrived last week and, to put it bluntly, they are SO AWESOME.

Hero's new, sleeker look

The collar is only 1/2" wide, which is a vast improvement over his former 1" wide behemoth collar. The corduroy is super soft too, and from the customer reviews I read before buying, it will wash up very nicely and stay soft and cozy. I mentioned in my previous post that the company I bought the collar from, Olive, seemed like a really great site for eco-dog stuff. Now that I've actually bought from them  would just like to say that they are uhmazing and I cannot recommend them highly enough. In my order of only a $15 collar (most of their products are way more pricy), I got a handwritten thank you note, and a sample of dog treats (that got two paws up from H).  

The whole package, un-packaged

The "Happy Apple Snaps" were a huge hit with Hero. 

I didn't take a picture of the actual treat, but it's shaped like a little apple! So cute!

I lurve a thank you note. 

And  a handwritten thank you note? Even better!

Obtaining Hero's tag was a similarly lovely experience. I loved all of the products at Pure Panache Pets, and I was super excited to see what the tag would look like. I wasn't disappointed. I also loved that I could choose a smaller tag, so as not to overpower my smallish pup. Here's the final product: 

The black bar is covering my phone number. I wouldn't want any weirdos calling me.

So overall, I'd say Hero now looks like a beautiful man of style, instead of a sloppy boob. And it's all thanks to the wonderful merchants I've mentioned above. Go buy their stuff!

Hero's Fashion Overhaul

Although he is a dog that refuses to wear any kind of sweater/coat/warmth retainer, Hero does wear a collar on a regular basis. He has a tag with his name and my phone number, a county-required "I don't have rabies" tag, and a pass for the dog park. Being a small dog, I think all these tags are a bit much for him, but oh well. I feel better knowing that he's got my digits on his neck, and the other tags are occupational hazards (Hero's occupation being that of "pet dog").

Hero's current collar situation has been in need of a remedy for a long time. He has been sporting an Earth Dog collar for almost a year, but it's just not working out. Here's the thing: Earth Dog makes lovely products, but they are most definitely suited for larger dogs. And Hero weighs 20 pounds. He could wear one of my bracelets as a belt. A one inch thick collar just looks kind of ridiculous on him. Can I get a side by side to illustrate my point?

Yep, that's about right.

So I know what you're saying to yourself, "Get the dog a new, slimmer collar and shut the eff up, Ladyface!" But, this being my life, there are a few more complications to he story. Hero, bless his furry heart, has quite sensitive skin. Regular collars turn his poor throat into a hairless, scabby mess. This is why I turned to Earth Dog in the first place - they make high quality hemp collars, which are all natural and free of those pesky chemicals and puppy-irritating whatsits that upset the delicate balance that is Hero's existence.

Now, I don't know why this is, but it's surprisingly hard to find a plain, natural, thin dog collar. My only theory is that most people with small dogs are also the kind that dress up their pooches in foofy collars and raincoats or whatever. All I want is a skinny, black collar that won't leave my dog's chest and neck looking like Britney's weave tracks.

I've been hunting online for what seems like forever. I would find a good collar, but it only came in a goofy pattern, or it came in plain colors, but they were all like lime green or purple. Then, FINALLY, I found the Holy Grail:

Good Dog Company's Hemp + Organic Cotton Corduroy Collar. They come in normal colors and a variety of sizes. It took me a fair amount of time to find a site that had the 1/2" collar in black, but I finally found one at a site called Olive (Slogan: Green Goods for Modern Dogs).

So now the collar dilemma is solved. But there's still the issue of Hero's plethora of tags. His ID tag is completely indecipherable at this point. It's a metal dog bone shape with his info engraved, but I guess it was made a little too on the cheap, since it's now covered in so many scratches even I can't read it. While I was giving Herocious a makeover,  figured I would get him a new tag as well as a new collar. I looked around (and around, and around) and finally came to my senses and turned to my favorite emporium of all things awesome. I don't know why I didn't just go to Etsy in the first place! Check out this badassery:

A superhero themed tag for my superhero themed dog?! YES FUCKING PLEASE. The creator of this masterpiece, purepanache, has a lot of other great products, and if you have a dog or like awesome things I highly suggest you visit her Etsy store.

So now Hero is all set to rock the socks off the doggie fashion world. I've been checking the mail every day waiting for my purchases, I'm so excited. It's about time that dog put some decent clothes on. SHEESH.

He's Not Stupid, Just Broken.

I haven't written much about Hero's obedience class shenanigans, because honestly I was too embarrassed. This past Tuesday was week three, and Hero only just learned how to sit. We're even further behind the rest of the class than you're probably imagining. See, apparently the pups were supposed to know how to sit BEFORE coming to class. What the what?! I had months between signing Hero up for school and actually taking him to class in which I could have taught him to sit, but I figured they'd teach us that IN THE CLASS. Come to find on the first night of pup school that ALL the other dogs know how to sit. All except little Herocious, the class idiot.

Each week when the other doggeroos are learning how to "down" or "heel," I'm sitting in the corner attempting to get Hero to do what his classmates have been doing forever. I barely even know what is happening in the actual class, because since all the other commands build on a basic "sit," Hero can't do them.

BUT, now things have changed. That's right, my baby dog can SIT. And odelally, CAN HE. Somehow something clicked in his little doggie brain and now he sits so diligently that just getting a treat out of the cupboard makes his butt smack on the floor like a magnet to a metal plate in your head. He's only been sitting on command since Tuesday, but he's so good at it we're already branching out into "sit, stay" territory.

Sadly, there is a part of this story that begins with, "Sadly..." Little Hero may have been on the short bus to SitTown because of a problem with his left knee. He has a luxating patella, which means that his kneecap slides around and can't properly fit in his little kneecap-holder.

It's so sad too, because when his knee is out of place and he sits, his little leg sticks out to the side. And when he's walking and his kneecap pops out he has to limp around until it gets readjusted. AND he won't fetch. AND he can't hop up on the couch or bed for some cuddles.

But I'm getting him all fixed up as soon as I can,

AND HE CAN SIT!!!

Baby's First Fellating

Um...

Hero has this friend Jack, who is a mixed breed but has some shepherd in him, so I call him Jack Shepherd. And Jack lives on our walking route, so when we walk by Hero is always really excited to see if Jack is there so they can play and do some open mouth kissing or whatever.

Today Hero and I are on a nice morning stroll, and Jack and his owner are out on their porch, so we settle in and have a nice sit and the dogs run around playing like dogs are want to do. Hero is really big on tummy rubs, and he even lets Jack rub his tummy. It's so cute: Hero will flop down on his back and Jack will come up and rub his nose on Hero's tum and Hero will get that totally blissed out look in his eyes and you just know those two are BFFs.

Today was a bit different.

They were playing just the same as they always do, but then Hero goes to lay on his back for a tummy rub, but this time he whips out his peen. Then, while he's laying there spread eagle with his business airing out, Jack goes up to him and proceeds to LICK HIS PUPPY PENIS. This went on for about 30 seconds, but it was enough to scar both myself and Jack's owner. Then she turns to me and says, "Well, it doesn't get more intimate than that, eh?"

Hanging With Hero: A Story in Pictures

 

  

  

  

  

  

 

Cartoon Dog LIVES!

Turns out Hero didn't have either one of the two things the vet said he may have had. Basically, he was never going to lose a toe. THANKS FOR HELPING ME SLEEP AT NIGHT DR. DOOLITTLE.

Anyway, he's on some antibiotics that will hopefully make him a cheery widdle pushkin, and I bought some Epsom salts to soak his foot in. I haven't tried the foot-soak yet, as I'm sure it will end in tears for all parties involved.

But at least Hero is going to live to see his Bark Mitzvah! PRAISE ALLAH!

The Cartoon Dog Strikes Again

Hero is a fucking mess. Adorable and cuddly and sweet as all get out, but he's really just a mess in a cute fur suit.

Puppies have to go to the vet a lot in the beginning of their lives. They need about a krillion shots and then they get the ol' snip snip (as Mama T calls it), and then they don't have to go back until they're a year old for a check up and some booster shots. Hero has been to the vet like 14 times.

First he ate some paint off the wall in my pre-WWII house, so I had to take him in to make sure he didn't have lead poisoning. Then he scratched all the hair off his ear and I had to take him in for a mite test (that's when he had DEMON X, which he is recovering from quite nicely). Now it's a cyst on his toe that is either a) A benign tumor that will go away on it's own, or b) A malignant tumor that will either b1) Kill him, or b2) Cause his affected toe to have to be AMPUTATED. The cell sample had to be sent to the university vet school to be examined because apparently when the vet looked at the cells they looked exactly the same and it was a 50/50 shot either way. WHAT.
This shit only happens to me, I'm telling you. But in all seriousness, pray for my dog. And while you're at it, ask for him to stop being such a mess. It takes away from our cuddling time.

With an Extra Dollop of Crazy

I typically try to take Hero for a walk around 4pm. Sometimes I'm busy with other stuff or I'm completely exhausted out of my mind (I'll post later about this. It's a whackadoodle story, of course), so he doesn't get walked, but then I at least play fetch with him for awhile to get his little legs moving.

Tonight I was at acupuncture (my new obsession) until pretty late in the evening, and then I went to dinner with my mom, and I didn't get home until around 8. I'd been away for most of the day, and I decided Hero needed some quality Sarah time, so I leashed him up and we set out. I guess the weirdness of my 'hood comes out at night, because we usually don't have such insanely odd walks, typically.

We didn't get to the end of the block before we encountered our first oddity. There were two children playing in their yard, and when they saw Hero they about peed on the spot. They ran over and I asked their mom if it was okay if they got to pet the dog, which of course was fine because hello? my dog is a fucking prince. The kids were SO chatty too, which I love. The older one, a girl told me both their names and that she was seven and her little brother just turned four. Also, these kids were incredibly filthy. I think they were burying each other alive or something - they were so caked in mud that it looked like they were in blackface.

So the filthy children were petting Hero and asking me about him and laughing when he licked their hands. The four year old was the most talkative. He asked what breed Hero was, he fed him some popcorn... it was like we were old friends or something. He was also completely hilarious:

Four Year Old: What's your dog's name?
Me: Hero.
FYO: AHHH! Like Superhero! THAT IS SO GREAT!

FYO: He smells like Santa.
Me: Did you just say that my dog smells like Santa?!
FYO: Yeah!
Seven Year Old: That's not true, you don't even know what Santa smells like!
Me: Does Santa smell like a dog?
FYO: Nooooo.
Me: So does my dog smell nice? Not too doggy?
FYO: Your dog smells like PRETTY!

Eventually the kids' mom came out and ushered them away. She may have thought I was a creep. It was getting dark, after all. And I was wearing a ski mask.

Hero and I kept walking, and for the most part everything was normal. At one point Hero stopped to pee, and he lifted his leg so high that I was sure he was going to fall over. He ended up landing on his leg again, but I think he was a little disoriented, because after nailing the landing he sort of rolled over, in an obviously accidental way, and then walked around like a furry little drunk. At this point I was cursing myself for not bringing a camera.

When we're on the home stretch of our excursion, Hero stops to sniff something and I see that there's a jogger coming our way. I get ready to move over or something, but this guy was pretty nice and moved to the street so as not to incur the wrath of such a ferocious beast (and her dog. ZING!). Hero and I both looked over at this guy and he's a total bro; running with his shirt off to display the tattoo he got in Daytona or whatever. Then Hero suddenly decides that this bro is HIS bro, and he starts running alongside him at the exact same pace. Hero's jog only lasted for made it to about 20 feet, when I his leash Hero's leash to make him stop being so embarrassing.

Finally we made it home, collapsed into bed, and hoped tomorrow's walk would be just as, if not more, cracked out.

A Slanket Of His Own

Hero loves to tuck me in bed. Oh wait, that's a lie. What Hero actually loves to do is jump on my bed, take a corner of the Slanket in his mouth, and then tug said corner from the foot of the bed up to my chest, where he will plop down with far more weight than his 14 pounds and chew the Slank to death. I call it "tucking in" because it makes him seem like less of a bastard, which he is. Less, I mean. He's really very sweet. When he's sleeping. I'm keeeeeding! (Kind of.)

So, knowing how much Hero adores the Slanket (and really, who can resist it?), I picked him up a Slankie substitute last week at Ikea. It doesn't have sleeves, and it's not exactly the same amazing fleece microfiber, but I figure in a 5 month old puppy's eyes, they're exactly the same.

Hero immediately fell in love with his new blanket. He carries it around with his nose stretched up in the air so that it won't touch the ground and make him trip over it - it's completely adorable. He'll even let me roll him up in it and carry him like a baby. Okay, he only let's me do that for about four seconds, but STILL. This blanket is, as I say about all beloved things, his Roger*.

The other day I came home and Hero had made a little nest wtih his blankie and all his toys in his crate. I took about 40 pictures, but these are the best.

First he was all, "Rub my soft belly. No, do it so that I can lick your hand at the same time. Here, I'll look at you all sweet-like so that you'll think it was your idea."

And then he got up and gave me his best, "Bitch, please" look. I should have known not to disturb his private time with La Blankie.

I left Hero and his new love alone for awhile, and when I came back I found this:

The sight of Hero under a blanket, periodically wiggling/snoring/farting made me laugh so hard I almost fell over. How he manages to make such weird little nests is beyond me, but I'm very glad I was able to provide for my little crimefighter.


*This comes from my own comfort object/life force, a Roger Rabbit doll I got when I was about two.Also, mine looks nothing like the pictures after the link above, but I have been told that he did before I dragged him through some of Seattle's fiercest mud puddles.

He's Normal! ...Kind of

Hero occasionally stands on his two front legs and lifts his butt into the air. Sometimes he is aided by balancing on his nose while on his front legs as well. I thought this was just another kooky habit of his, and I'm still hoping to get a picture, but I was looking on YouTube and found out that this may be a habit of many dogs (although all the videos seem to be of dogs peeing, and Hero does handstands just for the heck of it).Check it:

The Greatest American Hero

Today marks Hero's one week aniversary of being my dog. We've been though a lot, and I thought I'd take some time to share a few of Hero's milestones, personality traits, and of course some pictures.

If I were to describe Hero in one word, I'd say curious. If I had another I'd say licky. He will literally lick anything and everything. He licks my toes, the door jamb, his toys, and the retaining blocks in my yard. When he's afraid or apprehensive of something, he'll stand away from it while sticking his tongue out like a snake, as if his tongue will discern whether or not this new discovery is dangerous or not. One of my favorite games is to hold him away from me and watch him try to reach out to me with his tongue. One time my depth perception was a little off and he ended up tongue kissing me a little bit. We pretend that didn't happen to preserve our relationship as friends, but it was still weird.

 

He's also super smart, Hero. He inherently knew how to play fetch. I can't even remember how I found this out, but now it is his absolute favorite thing to do. His two passions (after licking) are fetching and lying in laps. He combines these three loves as such:

1. Human throws toy. Favorites are "Lamb-Man" (seen above) and "Bear"
2. Hero runs (so fast that he often slips on the wood floors) and retrieves the toy
3. Hero brings toy back to human at lightning speed, and leaps into the lap of the human
4. Hero cuddles up in the lap of the human, alternating between chewing the toy and licking/chewing the human.
5. When the human gets a hold of the toy again, they throw it and the cycle starts again
6. This goes on for what seems like hours until Hero eventually stops fetching and tries to trick the human into letting him take a snooze in their lap.

A few other facts about Hero:
He fakes peeing. Most likely this is because he hates being outside in the cold. He tried to fake poop once, but figured out quickly that the lack of solid (ha!) evidence was obvious.

Hero loves to be in laps. He would take every nap in my lap if I weren't so strict about him sleeping in his bed. I do love a good cuddle, though, and sometimes he gets to nap next to me. Or sprawled on me, as this picture shows:

Hero will also ignore every noise, if he's sleepy enough, except opera. An aria came on my iTunes and Hero was jolted awake as if he had heard the voice of God commanding his attention. He sleeps though all other music, movies, and voices. I plan on doing more experiments in this area.

I can't come up with too many hilarious anecdotes, probably because I have a cold, am exhausted, and spend all my time watching Hero to make sure he doesn't pee all over the place. I swear, when he can come to me and signal that he needs to go out and take a shit, I'm going to consider believing in Jesus.

 I'll write more later when I have the mental capacity, pinky swear. Until then, Hero's lookbook is available at my flickr page.

Crying Baby (Dog), Sleepless Nights

Sarah: I'm 22! I'm like, an adult!
Linnea: You are an adult.
Sarah: I have a DOG. That's basically like having a BABY.
Linnea: It's not at all like having a baby.
Sarah: It is if you're 22.