In Which I Use An Inordinate Amount of Poophemisms

I'm in my 20s, so I spend about 18 hours a day wasting time on the Internet. This differs from people in their 30s who spend approximately 12 hours a day wasting time on the Internet. After all, someday we all become grown ups and realize we have responsibilities.

I like to spend my Internet time finding weird stuff, because that's where my interests lie. I read a great cryptozoology website called Cryptomundo, for instance. I also like to browse online shops and Etsy stores for taxidermy and portraits of Boston Terriers, and shop for fossilized dinosaur poop on eBay. 

I believe my extensive research has made me the perfect personal shopper. Just come to me and I will tell you what you need to make your life less mundane and more entertaining. No matter who you are, or where your interests lie, this is THE product you need to have.  

Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker, $24

via JapanTrendShop.com

I have a friend who, when entering a public restroom and noticing a person is in a stall keeping very quiet, yells, "I'M SORRY!" and races out of the there like the Roadrunner. She is probably slowly damaging her own kidneys because of her obsessive need to give people peace when they're trying to poop in a public toilet. 

I think it's safe to say that we've all been in a public restroom that's eerily quiet, and we're apprehensive to (in the words of the immortal Whitney Houston) "Drop it on the one." I talk about poop constantly, and even I sometimes get poo shy. I think we've all pulled the "wait for someone else to flush, then drop that deuce before someone can hear the plop." (Remind me to copyright that.) But what if no one's flushing and you've got to do the doo?!

Japan has provided us with the solution. The Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker is a keychain-sized device with a button that, when pushed, makes the sound of a toilet flushing. I can't even tell you how genius this is. Now you don't have to wait for someone else to flush before you can poo, and you don't have to waste water by flushing your own commode every time you need a little white noise to cover your brown noise (Yep. I took it too far that time. I'm somewhat sorry). The product even comes in a "Save the Earth" design, so you can look superior to other poopers!

Gift Guide 2009: Lady Gifts

This next installment of the Gift Guide is a somewhat random assortment of goodies. I didn't really know how to categorize this collection besides, "Things I Bought That I Love Slash Would Love To Own." So I've called it "Lady Gifts," because if I'm one thing, it's a lady.

1. Urban Decay 24/7 Super Stash Eyeliner Set $36.00  These are the greatest eyeliners I have ever used. I was on the hunt for some good eyeliner for like, eons, and once I discovered Urban Decay's 24/7 eyeliner I never looked back. This is a set of all the best colors, and I guarantee you will love them all. They smudge just how you want them to - but ONLY when you want them to. I'm asking Santa for these, definitely.

2. American Apparel Vinyl Laptop Bag $34.00  I'm pretty sure I need this laptop bag, even though I have probably four different bags perfectly suited for toting my laptop. The colors are so great too, and I'm having a hard time deciding which one I like the best. And look, American Apparel is misogynistic and full of coke whores, but their stuff is nice, you guys.

3. Timex T Series 3 Hand Men's Wristwatch $80.00  If a lady is going to wear a watch, I think it's infinitely more chic if it's a man's watch. I like this one because it's simple and no-nonsense, but it's also really big and I think it will make a lady look like a smarty-pants. You know, like the cool college professor who wears cute Anthropologie cardigans and a large men's watch, and makes being a hippie academic look really appealing. Or, you know, I could wear it and pretend I'm that woman.

4. Tim Burton Tragic Thoughts Light Up Journal $15.00  I love little notebooks. I never use a notebook, not really, but I love to leaf through them and buy them for myself or as gifts for others. There's nothing more flattering than getting a journal from someone as a gift - it means they think you have relevant thoughts in your head that are interesting enough to put to paper. This journal is perfect for a somewhat silly writerly person, because it fucking lights up! And it has a creepy drawing on it from the Tim Burton exhibit at the MoMA, which was (to my despair) closed when I was in New York. With this I can pretend it wasn't.

5. Octopus Vinyl Laptop Decal $8.00  I'm contemplating getting this when I get my new laptop in a few months. It's no secret that I love cephalopods, particularly giant squids. I also like that this creature is sort of an octopus/squid hybrid, because it looks just like an octo, but it has a long middle tentacle coming out like a squid. It's the best of both worlds!

6. Tiffany & Co Bow Pendant $100.00  I lurve this necklace. I just love bow jewelry in general. I also have a tradition of buying something from Tiff's every time I'm in Vegas, and I'm Christmassing in Vegas this year, so who knows? This could be around my swan-like (psh!) neck sooner than I think.

7. Marc by Marc Jacobs Pretty Printed Tote in Leopard $200.00  So this bag was always one that I really liked, but then my boyfriend Marc went and made it in my favorite color - leopard print - and I was instantly enamored. Bonus: These nylon pieces regularly go on sale at Shopbop. True love at a discount!

8. J. Crew Metallic Wool Ballet Slippers $40.00 or $54.00  Look. You can clomp around the house in your Tasmanian Devil character slippers, you you can look like a fairy princess who has her hair braided by bluebirds every morning. Your choice.

9. Gap Supersoft Lacy Nightgown $35.00  I was looking for months for a comfy chemise, and even though I knew this one was perfect, I couldn't bear to spend so much on something that I'm going to drool and dream in. Yes, I will spend $300 on a handbag without a second thought, but I get anxious at the thought of spending $35 on sleepwear. Anyway, I finally caved and bought this nightie and I'm completely obsessed with it. And may I just say that "supersoft" is not enough of a superlative to describe this gown's comfiness.

10. Keihl's Soy Milk and Honey Body Polish $28.00  This is my favorite smell of all the smells. It's so delicious that the wonderful alchemists at Keihl's made a lotion to pair with the scrub so that you can envelop yourself in this sweet nectar all day. I'm getting flustered just thinking about it.

11. Terrier Face Ring by VeraMeat $130.00  All of VeraMeat's jewelry is amazing and obsession worthy, but this ring steals my heart because it features Hero's little face! If/when I own this I'm going to spend so much time making goo goo faces at my hand. Talk about adorablog.

This endeth the Gift Guide. Tune in later for more amazing shit, you fucking goofballs.

Gift Guide 2009: Home

It's no secret that I'm a Real Simple-subscribing, gaga-eyed home design freak. I read design blogs and tape paint chips to the wall and have committed entire pages of Dwell to memory. I've decided to start up this years Gift Guide with a few things I love and covet for around the home.

(Click image to enlarge)

1. Palmistry Reading Chart (20x12 in.) $6.00 This is from the amazing LA shop Necromance, which I've mentioned here previously, and am obsessed with. I really want to hang this in my closed-in porch, since I don't have an office with built in bookcases next to which I can prop the frame up against the wall (which is really the perfect spot for it, right?)

2. Nordstrom Acrylic Throw Blanket $48.00 I've been shopping around for a nice throw for my couch. The couch is on the smaller side, and if I use the Slanket I kind of drown in it. This is still cozy but can be folded and wrapped around you (or a few) without risking being strangled by Slank-sleeves.

3. Aerolatte Mooo Milk Frother $14.00 I'm so obsessed with this. My neighbor, who frequently invites me over for coffee, has one and I get so excited every time I use it. It's a magic little wand that froths your milk without steam, and without you having to wrestle with a confusing espresso maker. They're typically stainless steel, but I like this one because it's cow-print, and if you have the choice, you should ALWAYS choose an animal print.

4. Hamilton Beach Candy Apple Electric Kettle $40.00 This is a kettle that I just bought a few weeks ago, and I can't imagine how I got along without it. I used to make tea one cup at a time in the microwave, but I decided that if I boiled an entire pot of water I would end up drinking more and, in turn, become healthy and beautiful. Keeping a kettle on the stove seemed a little too staged model home for me, but an electric kettle like this looks cool and also satiates my gadget-lust.

5. Pill Capsules $4.00-7.00 These are large containers shaped like pills for you to tote your drugs in. As a giddy pill-popper myself, I'm always looking for something cute to contain my various medical concoctions. They're also sort of cartoonishly chic, I think.

6. Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire $16.00 One of my favorite features of Vanity Fair is the last page, where they feature a celebrity answering a selection of questions from the famous Proust Questionnaire. This book compiles 101 of those interviews with everyone from Norman Mailer to Aretha Franklin. There is also an online tie-in where you can take the questionnaire yourself and see which celeb you most resemble (I'm 94.78% similar to Michael Caine).

7. "Return" Poster Print (14x19 in) by Nikki McClure $9.00 Nikki McClure is an amazing artist who creates prints by cutting into a single sheet of paper with an X-acto knife. I've loved so many of her pieces, but this is probably my favorite. In fact, I had a calendar of her art a few years ago, and after the year was up I kept the month with this art displayed for another year. Now that she's doing posters I can still display this print without the embarrassment of having a calendar page from July 2007 on my wall.

8. Jonathan Adler Dolls Canister $28.00 I must be a real pillhead, because I didn't realize that I had two pill-centric items on this list until now. Whatever, this is just as cute and just as necessary. This reminds me of these labels that I also NEED, but this canister has a more 70s-Virgin Suicides feel, which is what every home needs, right?

9. R&M Dinosaur 6 Piece Cookie Cutter Set $10.00 Oh, how I wish this were a set of cookie cutters designed by the Famous Baking Brothers, R and M Dinosaur. But it's almost as cool that this is a set of dino shaped cookie cutters. I've had a set of dino-cutters since I was a little SarahTops, so I speak from experience that they are kick ass. Plus, you can ice a santa suit on one of them and call it a VelociSanta.

10. Running Deer Rabbit Figurine $24.00 Etsy seller The Runny Bunny combines old figurine molds to create new creatures that are simultaneously weird, fascinating, and precious. All of these works of art are fantastic, and once I choose which one I like the best I'll finally have one of my own. So far I just love them all too much to decide, which is a great endorsement, if you ask me.

Happy gift giving, you crazy wackadoos!